How foolish can I possibly be? How many times have I said to myself, just one, just this one time, and then you'll stop, you won't want more afterwards. I will ALWAYS want more afterwards. ALWAYS. Even if the "just one" is a very big "just one". In my mind, it's just that..one. And I can't settle for one, I need as much as I can physically take. Please let this post be a reminder to myself!!!
Here's where everything went wrong: I had been doing super well this week, starting to feel much much better and abstinent since Sunday night. Then this morning, I had a meeting with an analyst and the broker invited my colleague and me out to lunch to continue the conversation. My colleague immediately said yes, but because he doesn't speak english very well, asked me to come along with him. And since it's a sector that I cover, there was really no way I could say no. So even though all I wanted was to go have my planned lunch at the cafeteria, I accepted to go get lunch at this fancy restaurant.
The lunch went pretty well, I had no real urge to binge while I was there, except on the bread. Everything was going fine until I started digging in to the bread. It was slow, totally creeped up on me. By the end of the meal, I was itching for something sweet, but still didn't have those *binge alarms* blaring. I told myself, ok, you want to be a little naughty right now, that's ok. You can have one (big..like 400 g big) bag of M&Ms but THAT'S IT. NO MORE. So I ate the M&Ms and was surprised to find that I really, truly didn't want any more. But as the hours went by and the sugar started to leave my body, I started to get an irrepressible urge to eat more junk. So I caved. I said Fuck It. I went and ate some pastries from the bakery. And I already know that I'll eat something more on my way out of the office. I know I'll care tomorrow, but right now I don't. I'm too pissed and disgusted by myself. There was a picture taken of me last night at a party for my husband's employer. It was posted to facebook today. I barely recognize myself. My smile and eyes are the same, but that's about it. My face is massive, my torso and hips wider than my husbands', my leggs unslender and unsexy. And I thought I had looked good that day...
I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I will be fat for a year. I shouldn't even say that, I've already let this go too far. And who says it would stop after a year? No, I must remember the original point of this post which is, it's ok that I had another slip today, it teaches me that I really can not have JUST ONE, of anything, as long as it's eaten compulsively. It's scary how easy I forget that, but hopefully that now that it is written down, it will be harder to erase.
I am going to make a committment right here, right now, to go 100% SUGAR FREE for 1 MONTH. Starting tomorrow..
No comments:
Post a Comment