Step 1, Question 1

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable 


1. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history:


I remember large snacks after school. Lunches at school and all the different chips and cakes my mom packed for me, I could never get enough. Sometimes I would save up money to buy myself bagels or cookies from the cafeteria. Back then, it didn't seem strange at all. I was just hungry. Very hungry. And I was a chubby child, up until about 14 years old. I remember being made fun of by my brothers and classmates, always feeling so much bigger and uglier than the girls in my class. My first diets started early, no later than 13 years old, maybe even before then. I always chose some sort of fad, extreme diet with the most discomfort and restriction. If it didn't hurt it wasn't a diet, right? I got advice from friends and beauty magazines, thinking if I could just replicate those diets perfectly, I would finally be skinny. 


I spent virtually all of high school and the first two years of college on some sort of diet or wishing I was thinner. Any weight I managed to lose, I regained very quickly. My first memory of compulsively overeating was during my first year of college. Whenever I would come home to see my parents, I would go straight to the kitchen and binge on all of my favorite foods that I had missed while I was away at school. Donuts, sugary cereal, cake, pb&j sandwiches, ice cream. These were never full-on binges, I certainly wasn't even aware I was bingeing. But now looking back on this behavior that i did every time I came home, it is clear that I was creating a safe little cocoon of food around myself that I associated with home, familiarity, relaxation, excitement; all the wonderful feelings that went with coming home and seeing one's family. 


Then there was my eating behavior when I was with my ex-boyfriend. I can't believe it's only now that I'm realizing how insane this behavior was. As our relationship progressed, I would eat more and more when I was with him. I literally could not get full. We spent one summer month together in Europe and when I came back, he and my sister had a legitimate intervention over the weight I had gained. Then there was the time we went out to dinner for Valentine's Day and I ate so much at dinner I "couldn't" have sex. He was obviously mad. Particularly towards the end of our relationship, this behavior of overstuffing myself when I was around him continued. Needless to say, I was not happy in that relationship and after months of pain, finally managed to end it. 


During my third year of college, I managed to lose a substantial amount of weight while I was living abroad. All of my meals were prepared and eaten with my "host family" and there was no real availability of food elsewhere outside of meal times (remember, I was at this stage not a full-blown compulsive eater, the thought of sneaking around and having secret binges didn't even cross my mind). In addition to the structuring of food intake, I also had a lot more free time than I did when back at my home university, so I was able to go to the gym 4-5 times a week. 


But nevertheless, I still had some alarming behavior regarding food when I had been drinking alcohol. I would binge heavily on many nights that I went out drinking, and then go to the gym and eat very little the next day, which is how I managed to stay thin. I was also doing a lot of calorie counting - obsessing over what and when I was going to eat. But no day-time (sober) binges or compulsive snacking. Overall, I felt really good and finally happy with myself and my appearance. 


My last year at college almost reversed all of that. I became very sick with a serious stomach infection that went undiagnosed for months while I suffered. I lost even more weight, people thought I was anorexic, I stopped getting my period and became addicted to pain killers and sleeping pills. I was constantly uncomfortable, couldn't go out with my friends and drink or eat a lot, otherwise, I paid the price for days after. The only time when I wasn't truly uncomfortable was during the physical act of eating. It soothed me so much and took away the pain just for a few minutes...Only to come back even more intense as the digestion process began.I became terrified of food while at the same time obsessed by the times when I would get to eat. I made daily timetables, precise to the minute, on when I would get to eat and what. Everything else in between was just a distraction, just time to kill before I got my next bite, my next release. I'm sure that this has left some lasting marks on me and my perceptions/obsessions with food.


Even after I was treated for this illness, I was still very fragile digestively and often uncomfortable.  So my binges at this time were few and far between (as the price paid was 1-2 days of physical and psychological misery). But they were still there. I always kept some compulsive behavior regarding food. I would count calories incessantly, fearing that if I exceeded a (incredibly low) limit I set for myself, I would upset the stomach gods and they would make me pay. If I had been drinking, I often ceded to a binge, which led to double misery for days to come, and which is why I severely limited my social activities. Not to mention a lot of personal drama going on at this time and the constant loneliness I felt after coming back to school from my year abroad. I spent an incredible amount of time alone that year. I cried easily and a lot.


This behavior continued for a year or two. I moved back to France and I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I walked into Bertrand (my now husband)'s apartment for the first time. I barely recognized myself. I saw a girl who was damaged, depressed, a victim. Thank God for that amazing year in France, it maybe saved my life. That year I discovered meditation and prayer, in my attempt to overcome depression. And it truly worked. I fell in love with Bertrand and completely changed how I saw the world and life.


Then came time to move back to the States, AGAIN. I was starting my job in Banking, despite already knowing that the job was no longer for me, no longer my passion. The days were very long and it was hard to feel motivated to do something I had completely lost interest in. That's when the big binges started. At first, I kept them to the evening, but soon they crept into my mornings and afternoons as well. Some days I would raid the vending machine or serve myself very big meals down at the cafeteria. I became extremely depressed and even when I went out with friends, I often ended the night with a fast-food binge. I thought that quitting my job would make the behavior stop. That it was just a reaction to the stress, which would disappear as soon as I left my job. Boy was I wrong. The day I quit, I weighed 133 lbs, and I would gain at least 10 lbs over the months that followed, going from calorie counting and extreme vigilance over my food to binges that lasted for days on end. 


When I moved back to France for good, 3 months after quitting my job, I was very hopeful that the problem would stop on its own. Surely I couldn't binge while living with Bertrand! But the binges have only gotten more and more violent, more and more prolonged. I found OA in September 2012, a few months after my return to France. Since finding the program, I do a much better job in between binges, and can go for 2 weeks on end without a binge. But since September (so, about 6 months) I have already relapsed more times than I can count and it sends me right back into hell. I'd say I hit my "bottom" this past December. The night of my wedding anniversary. I had spent the previous 3 days bingeing and was sitting on the couch with my husband depressed and crying, telling him to divorce me so I could kill myself and finally just end it all. ON OUR FUCKING FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. So horrible. 


So that is a long account of the history of my binge eating disorder. I promise all my answers won't be as long as this one!