Insatiable

Ugh. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What is this, day 5 and I'm already cracking? I feel pathetic right now. Let me explain.


So yesterday started out totally fine, slept ok, ate a normal breakfast. But at lunch, I overate a bit (nothing too unhealthy, but just more than I needed) and I immediately had a horrible craving for chocolate. I tried to calm myself down as much as possible, texted my sponsor, took a walk around the block (without my wallet) and just kept praying. It worked reasonably well in that I didn't race back to the office, grab my wallet, and head to the store, but I was thinking about it all afternoon. I was in meetings from after lunch until the end of the day, so no sneaking around was possible. But when the conference finally ended, I knew what I wanted to do. I would stop at a store and eat something on my walk home. Which is what I did. Luckily (another God intervention?) there were no real convenience stores or supermarkets on my path, and I only had 5€ in cash on me. Right before getting on the metro that would take me home, there was a little vendor selling baked goods, so I bought a small-medium chocolate muffin and a pecan tart (individual size). I savoured them both on the train, slowly, to drag out the experience. I didn't want to have to stop eating. If it wasn't for the fact that I had no more money on me and that Bertrand was expecting me at home, I'm sure the binge would have continued.  


Anyways, I got home and pretended like nothing had happened, like I had had a totally abstinent day, like I was genuinely hungry for dinner (even though I wasn't at all, but still wanted to eat). We got sub-par Japonese food and I wolfed it down plus dessert. Boy did I feel great... 


By the end of the night I was already thinking about how this would affect me the next day and what I would perhaps binge on. Not a good sign. Well today, I managed to hold on until lunch to let everything go to hell. I ate a big lunch plus a chocolate dessert, and that put me right away into binge mode. I had to go to a meeting immediately after, but once that was finished, I grabbed my bag and bounded out of the building as fast as I could and to the nearest bakery, where I ordered a pain au chocolat aux amandes (a giant chocolate/almond/sugar croissant) and a large apple tart. 


So here I am, back at my desk, having consumed these two big treats. I leave for a conference in Geneva this afternoon and have a 2 day gauntlet ahead of me. What I WANT to do, is continue bingeing. To stock up on my favorite binge foods that I'll get to enjoy all to myself on the 2 hour train ride. Then the hotel breakfast. Then the conference treats served non-stop. Then the train ride back to Paris. I know that is where this will go if I let it. I don't want to live these next 2 days like that (it might not even stop at 2!) but I feel so unbelievably powerless right now. I know that's the first step in recovery, admitting that I am powerless over food, but right now that admission is just giving me carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want. I feel like I will never be able to attain long-term abstinence. I was so positive and determined at the beginning of this week, and now it's falling apart. 


But I just can't stop. I don't want to. I'm an addict. A full-blown, powerless addict.