I binged

Another failure. I now long for the days when I could get at least a week or two of abstinence under my belt before relapsing. Now it's two days. And I'm vomitting more often, even at work. I just did it. I want to write that I'm scared, but I don't feel it. I feel nothing inside me right now, just complete numbness. I like the feeling way more than I wish I did. I just spoke with my doctor...I'm going to a rehab center for a little while. I have no fight left in me, I need someone to take me by the hand and see me through this because I am killing myself trying to do it on my own. I've failed.

Hump Day

Walking back to my office after a very filling, yet healthy, lunch, I tried to ignore that whispering voice in the back of my mind saying, "Woudn't it be nice to have something sweet, some chocolate maybe, to end the meal". I had already had my "something sweet", a healthy bowl of fat-free plain yogurt and delicious fresh fruit, just a few minutes before. That's when I realized it: today's Wednesday. My Hump Day. While I can't be sure, I'm almost positive I have relapsed more often on Wednesdays than any other day. Why is this? I assume it's because I start the week with good intentions, telling myself on Sunday night that starting Monday, the habit is gone for good, PERIOD. I have a good Monday, an even better Tuesday, and by Wednesday, I've forgotten. That's all the time it takes. I've forgotten why I can't just have a little chocolate, why I can't just have one small binge and stop there, why even just one small binge beats the shit out of my self-esteem and is always followed by bigger and bigger binges. I forgot that I have said NO SUGAR for a month. Even as I write this, that part of my mind where my ED dwells is fighting to be heard, while another part is racing to silence it. I wish I hadn't brought my wallet today, that would make this easier.

Instead of listing all the negative aspects about a binge, I'm going to try and do the opposite: list the positive aspects of my life that are worth fighting for and that will give me the self-esteem and motivation to shut that little voice up for good. Here goes:

- I have made a committment to not eat sugar for a month and a half. This is to prove to myself that I am not a slave to even the most subtle and powerful of substances. FUCK YOU SUGAR I DON'T NEED YOU. A month without sugar will make me very proud of myself and will show that I really can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

- Getting home and cooking a delicious, healthy meal with my husband while playing music in the background and joking around in the kitchen. Instead of me coming home and before even saying hi, sticking my head in the toilet. Even if I don't vomit, I will spend the evening uncomfortable and moody on the couch. I will have no interest in cooking the healthy dinner we have planned and will either be obsessing about my weight or about how I can get some more binge food.

- My physical health. Last night I scared the shit out of myself by thinking that I might have become diabetic (long story short, I'm not). I can not keep risking my health so recklessly, there will be consequences, even if they are not immediately apparent. 

- My trip to the States in May. I am so so excited to go home and see my friends and family and I want to be healthy for that trip. I can not enjoy myself if I am bingeing, so I need to end these cycles of relapse NOW. Also, we're going to be spending a week at the beach, and I don't want to be miserable and ashamed of my body the whole time (I won't push this one too far, thinking like this actually puts more pressure on me and tends to have me react with a rebellious binge).

- Having a fun, relaxing, active weekend with friends as opposed to hiding in the apartment and destroying my body and mind. On Saturday, I get to go to a fun new gym class, I'm taking my cat to the vet, I'll probably get a massage, and then I have a revitalizing hair treatment and cut, followed by a romantic dinner with my husband.

...alright that kind of worked...but I still want to binge! Time to get tough with myself: ALISON, you will NOT EAT SUGAR. ONE MONTH. THAT'S IT. YOU WILL KEEP RUINING YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T STOP. THINK OF HOW AWESOME YOUR LIFE WAS 2 YEARS AGO, YOU NEED TO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET BACK TO THAT AND THAT MEANS LEAVING THIS BINGE EATING BEHIND. YOU DON'T NEED IT! IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 

I'm going to just put my head down and focus on work for the rest of the day, I'm not even going to read any OA literature, that stuff sometimes just makes me obsesses about overeating and I end up bingeing. Whew, deep breaths... will let you know how it goes.

Step 2, Question 4

4. In what ways have I continued to try to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery?

This question gets at the heart of my compulsive eating addiction, and shows how sick I truly am. How many "morning after"s have there been, where I tell myself that was the last time, only to be back to food within hours? I have eaten beyond the point of being physically ill, each bite more painful than the previous, and yet I continue to search for comfort in the bottomless pit of food. On a very recent trip to Geneva, I ate so much that I feared I had inflicted some genuine physical damage. I could barely move, barely breathe, my inflamed stomach was stretched to its limit. Clearly, the excess food had made me no happier than whatever I could have possibly been feeling before the binge. Instead of exploring downtown Geneva or the wonderful hotel lounge with live music, I was upstairs, alone in my room, on the toilet or sprawled on my bed. All of my energy had been sucked out of me; I was a tender blob, furious with what I had done to myself, and terrified of the magnitude of this disease. I prayed to have the compulsion removed and to finally let go of the urge to seek comfort in food.

And yet the next day, I repeated the event almost exactly, misery included. Why do I do this? I know the food will only aggravate my problems (especially the problem of having overeaten!). But some part of me refuses to learn. Some part of me is grasping on so tightly to this deplorable behavior, this mountain of food. It's because there is a very real physical reaction to (over)eating compulsively. When I'm eating, that's all there is in the world. My emotions are snuffed out, my worries and cares are paused, my to-do list is thrown out the window; I have no more responsibilities, nothing to achieve, no one to impress. A warm numbness washes over me, the tastes make me high with pleasure. I am rebelling against society, against my husband and family, against myself. It feels like freedom. But it's not. I am a slave to my compulsive eating. When I begin to binge, I know longer have a say in the matter. All my good intentions and hopes for a healthy, abstinent day are disregarded and my self-esteem is destroyed. I can not stand to look at myself in the mirror or even think about what I've just done. It steals my happiness and my husband's happiness. It steals the life that we have planned for the future. It steals my health, and puts me in serious physical danger. There is no freedom in binge eating whatsoever, and yet I am sick enough to keep going back to it again and again. 

There is no such thing as JUST ONE

How foolish can I possibly be? How many times have I said to myself, just one, just this one time, and then you'll stop, you won't want more afterwards. I will ALWAYS want more afterwards. ALWAYS. Even if the "just one" is a very big "just one". In my mind, it's just that..one. And I can't settle for one, I need as much as I can physically take. Please let this post be a reminder to myself!!!


Here's where everything went wrong: I had been doing super well this week, starting to feel much much better and abstinent since Sunday night. Then this morning, I had a meeting with an analyst and the broker invited my colleague and me out to lunch to continue the conversation. My colleague immediately said yes, but because he doesn't speak english very well, asked me to come along with him. And since it's a sector that I cover, there was really no way I could say no. So even though all I wanted was to go have my planned lunch at the cafeteria, I accepted to go get lunch at this fancy restaurant.


The lunch went pretty well, I had no real urge to binge while I was there, except on the bread. Everything was going fine until I started digging in to the bread. It was slow, totally creeped up on me. By the end of the meal, I was itching for something sweet, but still didn't have those *binge alarms* blaring. I told myself, ok, you want to be a little naughty right now, that's ok. You can have one (big..like 400 g big) bag of M&Ms but THAT'S IT. NO MORE. So I ate the M&Ms and was surprised to find that I really, truly didn't want any more. But as the hours went by and the sugar started to leave my body, I started to get an irrepressible urge to eat more junk. So I caved. I said Fuck It. I went and ate some pastries from the bakery. And I already know that I'll eat something more on my way out of the office. I know I'll care tomorrow, but right now I don't. I'm too pissed and disgusted by myself. There was a picture taken of me last night at a party for my husband's employer. It was posted to facebook today. I barely recognize myself. My smile and eyes are the same, but that's about it. My face is massive, my torso and hips wider than my husbands', my leggs unslender and unsexy. And I thought I had looked good that day...


I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I will be fat for a year. I shouldn't even say that, I've already let this go too far. And who says it would stop after a year? No, I must remember the original point of this post which is, it's ok that I had another slip today, it teaches me that I really can not have JUST ONE, of anything, as long as it's eaten compulsively. It's scary how easy I forget that, but hopefully that now that it is written down, it will be harder to erase. 


I am going to make a committment right here, right now, to go 100% SUGAR FREE for 1 MONTH. Starting tomorrow..

Step 2, Question 3

3. When those methods worked, how have I inevitably lost control and overeaten again, putting back on the weight I worked so hard to lose?


There were a few times when I had lost a noteworthy amount of weight, whether for an upcoming event or just because I decided to "get motivated" and slim down once and for all. But I never stayed at my goal weight for very long, packing on the points immediately after the event was over. Two examples are my wedding and the fashion show that I participated in during my sophomore year at college. As a part of a student government fund raising event, I had volunteered to be a "model" in the fashion show of local designers. I knew there would be hundreds of students and faculty present at the show, and I wanted to look my absolute best. So, I went on a strict diet (the details of which I no longer remember) and worked out at the gym for HOURS on end. I would typically run for an hour and then do at least 30 minutes of weight lifting and ab exercises. I was in pretty amazing shape by the day of the fashion show, but I was also STARVING. During the show, I appeared in three different outfits, one of which was a bikini! In front of my student body! And I wasn't even nervous, I felt very proud of myself, confident, and beautiful. But literally the minute the show ended, I found myself double-fisting slices of pizza. I couldn't get it in fast enough. I ate like a pig and stopped going to the gym; within just a few days, I had gained back all the weight I had lost for the show. Doh!


For my wedding, it was even worse. A few months before my wedding, I was still ~10 pounds heavier than my "ideal" weight, as I had gained a considerable amount after leaving UBS and my bingeing had become worse than ever. But I was determined to lose the weight and be as tiny as possible for my wedding pictures. To accomplish this, I opted for the Dukan diet, a no-carb, no-fat, all-you-can-eat protein diet. Because it was all you can eat, I actually did a fairly good job sticking to the diet, and did lose a considerable amount of weight. I ended up looking beautiful in my wedding pictures, and the celebration was the most amazing day of my entire life. The dinner was DELICIOUS, and I was no longer restricting my food, so I actually got to enjoy it. I only over-ate a tiny bit at the dessert (chocolate cake...was just too good!), but I paid close attention to not eat too much, knowing that it would ruin my night. I had to party till morning and didn't want to feel overly full and uncomfortable. So that was enough motivation to keep me from completely pigging out.


The next day was another story. Waking up after only an hour or two of sleep, I still had sugar and alcohol coursing through my veins. I wasn't hungry at all, but when I saw the giant loaves of bread and collection of jams/nutella, I dove right in. The bingeing completely snowballed from there. I had breakfast 3 different times that morning; each time some new people showed up I used it as an excuse to eat again, thinking no one would notice (no one did). I continued to overeat for the next day or two until my family and I left for Ireland (saddly leaving Bertrand behind). That's when the real binges started. BOTH nights we stayed in Dublin, I used the excuse that I was too tired to go out (I really was after the wedding month, but still, pathetic, I should have rallied). Instead, I stayed alone while my family and friends visited the city so I could eat and sleep. Every meal we went out to I used as an opportunity to stuff myself with junk, like french fries and fried fish, followed by dessert. I bought packets and packets of chocolate and cookies and ate them as "snacks" throughout the day. The only real memory I have of what should have been a once-in-a-lifetime trip is me sneaking off to eat. It makes me so mad!


That's one emotion that I haven't yet expressed on this blog: anger. At first, I didn't really think I was angry, just sad and ashamed. But after talking to an OA friend, she finally got it out of me. I am so. fucking. pissed. Pissed at myself, pissed at my situation, pissed at my sorry excuse for what I've done with the amazing hand I was dealt. I know it's not my fault that I have this abnormal tendancy, but it is my fault that I let it get this bad, and for that, I am furious. Getting back to the point of this post, I am pissed that after all my hard work, whether that be in losing weight, or just in life in general, I throw it all away with my compulsive eating. And I'm left exhausted and discouraged by the struggle. Compulsive overeating steals my life away from me. Even in a comlpetely isolated case (which it never is), compulsive eating is NEVER innocent and it will ALWAYS harm me and bring me farther away from my dreams and my true self.

Step 2, Question 2

2. In what ways have I been obsessed with diets and/or weight loss schemes?


It's funny, when I think about my response to this answer, it is so different from what it would have been even 6 months ago...and not in a good way. Diets/weight loss schemes are currently the FURTHEST from my mind. Eating LESS food? I'm struggling on a daily basis to keep myself from eating 3 times a healthy amount. But it wasn't always this way, and I'm sure my obsession with diets and weight loss schemes in the past contributed significantly to my current situation. I started dieting at a very young age, no later than 13 or 14, and I know I was uncomfortable with my body long before then. I think I was in the 4th grade when a boy in class pointed out to me for the first time that I was fat. High school was when I became very concerned with my weight, always trying to reach the stick-like figures of my popular peers, and never coming close, despite my efforts. I always went back to the food at some point. And then would crash diet and work out like crazy for a week or two. I developed the dangerous pattern of intense restriction followed by I-don't-care gorging. For several weeks, I even thought it would be a good idea to just eat Power Bars for meals and then work out until I had burned off the calories. No wonder I'm so messed up today! 


College didn't get much better, although I had at least given up most of the "gimmicks". I still went through cycles of strict dieting and working out (like right before I saw my long-distance boyfriend) followed by pigging out (like 5 minutes after my boyfriend and I were reunited). 


When I was at UBS for a summer internship, that's when the big evening binges started, so to make up for them, I would eat very little the next day, forcing myself to go as long as possible without eating until I was starving. This was an almost unbreakable cycle, and it was further worsened by the fact that I didn't know how to eat a proper breakfast. I thought one small packet of oatmeal was all the breakfast I needed (deserved) and would rarely ever eat anything more substantial. No wonder I was starving by the time lunch and dinner came around, and I had an irrepressible need to stuff my face. Not to mention that I was completely miserable at this internship.


It was only until very recently that I established the routine of 3 meals a day. I was convinced that eating 3 proper meals a day would lead to certain weight gain. So on top of the yo-yo dieting, I was constantly starving myself and making it up later with giant snacks or evening binges. 


By now, I no longer have the motivation or willpower to starve myself, and I'm better off for it. Dieting just worsens a binge eating habit, so I'm thankful that I've at least managed to get myself off of that endless track. Now I just have to stop overeating!

Exercise for Recovery 1

The person I would most admire, respect, and trust above all others in any circumstance would be:


- Caring and compassionate
- Courageous; does what has to be done no matter what
- Not controlled by fear or anxiety
- Open and non-discriminatory; accepting of all people and walks of life
- Non-violent; can get things done without physical force or raising your voice
- Very sociable; has lots of genuine friends and enjoys going out and spending time with them, not cooped up in the house
- Energetic, not lazy - laziness is easier than happiness
- Goes after what makes her happy, even if it requires significant effort
- Close with family, keeps in contact with them regularly 

- Respectful of the environment, not wasteful, kind to all creatures

- Hard-working, determined

- Respected in her job and in her community

- Strong, physically fit and active; involved in lots of different sports and is totally connected with her body

- Treats her body like a temple

- Always on a quest for knowledge

- Outdoorsy/adventuresome

- Creative, can have fun with little/no money 

- A loving spouse

- Has a strong and deep sexual relationship with her spouse

- Sophisticated/elegant, takes care of her appearance 

- Spiritually connected

- Trusts herself and God completely; knows in her heart that she will act based on her core values and God's loving will without fearing the consequences 

- Does not need external substances/activities to make her feel better/less anxious; is capable of handling stress in a healthy manner

- Follows her dreams

- Finds a career that is her true passion, even if it is not the easiest or most lucrative 

- Grateful; expresses her gratitude every day
- Accepting of the things she cannot change, and courageous enough to change the things she can 
- Generous: gives back to her community and helps others less fortunate
- Not dictated by her ego
- Calm and content, at peace


Top 3:

- Calm and content, at peace

- Energetic, not lazy - laziness is easier than happiness

- Trusts herself and God completely; knows in her heart that she will act based on her core values and God's loving will without fearing the consequences

Now, use these characteristics to describe in vivid detail the woman that I want to become more than anything in the whole world and the life she leads:

This is supposed to provide me the motivation I need to stop binge eating. 

I wan't to be someone I admire again. I am totally clean and abstinent, and have no desire to abuse food or alcohol or any other substances in order to numb my feelings or occupy me when I am bored or lonely. When I am recovered, I will no longer be consumed by guilt and anxiety; I will be able to live a life of peace and serenity by fulling connecting to my mind, body, and soul. I will be active and healthy, and have time and energy to do the fun things I want, like dancing or kickboxing, not because I HAVE to so I can lose weight, but because being physically active makes me happy. I will be able to concentrate more fully on my job, acquiring valuable experience while saving money for me to follow my life's passion. I will be healthy enough to stay in my job until it is appropriate to leave, not because I am too weak to continue. I will have a fun, adventurous marriage with my husband, where we actually DO things and are not living in an environment of sadness and guilt. My sexuality will be returned and I will finally get to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with the man I love once more. I will be confident and outgoing. Instead of spending my weekends alone in my apartment, bingeing on everything in sight, I will be going out, making new friends, trying new things, and living life to the fullest. Right now, I feel like I'm just trying to get by. Just trying to keep my head above water. There is no fun, no spark, no real reason to savor life. I want that back, and I need to start believing that it is possible. That it is possible to live a life where I pursue my dream of helping others, while having time to be outdoorsy and sporty AND be connected to my Higher Power. When I eat compulsively, I push him out of my life, and am unable to feel his beautiful love. I am unable to feel anything but guilt and shame and powerlessness. I want to feel empowered again. I forget what that feels like. To feel like I can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it, and that I'm fighting for something I believe in, pursuing a dream that is important to me. When I think of the life I want, this is what I see: a toned, fit, smiling woman, who enjoys snowboarding with her husband on the weekend, cooking a wholesome meal with friends, and finishing the evening with amazing sex. In the morning, I wake up early to do yoga and meditate before heading off to work. I work at a clinic or hospital, helping people overcome addictions and eating disorders. On the side, I might even participate in some tantra workshops! I have lots of friends at work or from school that I see after-hours to wind down or on the weekends. Upon getting home from work, my husband and I take our dogs for a hike before preparing dinner. We fall asleep relaxed and happy, excited to do it all again the next day. I go to church/temple once a week to connect with others in a spiritual environment where I can share with others and feel fulfilled in my spiritual journey. 

Wow..that sounds really nice. I MUST force myself to picture this every time I am tempted to binge. There is NOTHING preventing me from living this life I just described, everything is completely achievable and within my reach. I just need to get out of my own way! The only way I can have the life I want is if I STOP my compulsive binge eating, stay focused at my job for a little while longer, and keep myself healthy and spiritually connected. God, please help me do this. I AM strong and I can achieve anything I want to if I put my mind to it. Please help me focus on this goal and remove the desire to binge. 

In a hole

I'm in a hole and I'm having a very hard time climbing out of it. This has been a very very bad relapse. Probably because I was alone for so much of it. The quantities have been off the chart and I seem to have lost all motivation to stop bingeing and get abstinent again. My reflection in the mirror horrifies me. I have gained a considerable amount of weight this past week; my face has seemingly doubled in size. But I can't stop. I want to stop, but not enough. I need to do some OA exercises to get back on track and to remind me why I need to stop bingeing. Will post them here. Happy Sunday everybody..

He DOES exist!

*** Transcribed from my journal entry on Friday, March 16, 2012


Holy crap. HOLY CRAP! I just had some SERIOUS divine intervention. Let me start by explaining my experience yesterday. As you can see in the post below, I was headed for a trip down binge alley. Well, I'm sorry to say that I gave in to a full-on, hardcore, genuinely scary binge. By the end, I was in intense, physical pain. I mean, I thought I had done some actual damage. And I was stuck on a train between Paris and Geneva. When the train finally reached its destination, I was so full and sick I could barely move. The second I got to my hotel room, I threw up. Not a terribly large amount just enough to release the pressure and free up some space. I really really don't want to list everything I ate (I'm not even sure I can remember it all),  but I'm going to force myself to. No more hiding, I need to face the true ugliness of this if I want to get better:


- 2 giant pastries
- 1 large, shitty dry brownie
- 2 Twix bars (as in, 2 packs of 2 individual sticks)
- 1 ham and cheese baguette sandwich
- 1 apricot muffin
- 1/2 chicken sandwich
- 1 large bag of peanut M&Ms


This was one of the worst binges I've had in a while. Why did I do it? I have no idea. Because I had started it yesterday and felt compelled to continue it. Because even when I'm in physical pain I love the feeling of feeling nothing else at all. Everything else is stomped out. My breath almost goes with it. I'm completely addicted to the rush and the numbness. 


But anyways, back to the original point of this post. I was reading a book that had been suggested on a bulimia blog, detailing the journey of one man's recovery from food addiction. I'm pretty sure the book is self-published, since it's absolutely terrible, but he did do a very good job of getting one point across. Recovery is dependent on a significant spiritual component.


That's it. I'm required to do some necessary footwork, but my long-term wellness can only be restored if I embrace a power greater than myself and give up my control to him. So as I lay in bed last night, stomach still round and firm, I said the words out loud for the first time. "God. Please help me. Please help me to be abstinent. Please remove my desire for unhealthy food. Please help me God. I am completely powerless and so scared." I immediately felt much better. Relieved and safe. Like I would be taken care of. I just had to be patient and keep coming back. Keep working the steps and praying to God every day for recovery. I soon drifted off and had a very restful sleep. In the morning, I woke up with no urge to binge. Despite the decadent hotel buffet breakfast, I ate a modest portion of cereal and a glass of orange juice. It was unbelievable. Day after a binge + all alone + BREAKFAST BUFFET and NO binge!


But I'm not totally cured yet; the desire eventually crept in while at my conference. I am now back on the train headed home to Paris and have almost exactly reproduced the same binge as yesterday. Big bag of M&Ms, sandwiches, muffin, etc. But I wasn't finished. I grabbed my wallet and made my way to the bar car on the train. I had no cash on me, but I saw that credit cards were accepted, so I waited my turn and ordered a bag of peanut M&Ms (seriously, what's with me and those things!? They're not even THAT good!) and a Twix bar. I insert the card into the machine and....Card Not Read. Huh? I JUST used this card. So I tried again at least 3 more times. Nothing. Ok... I wasn't going to give up easily, so I tried another card. This time, the machine read it. Whew, I though. I punched in my pin and waited...Payment Refused. What!? Not possible, try again. Again, I tried at least 3 more times to no avail. The line was  building behind me and I was starting to look desperate. Alright, LAST try, as I handed the clerk my third and final card, a card that I had used successfully not  three hours earlier. Card Not Read. At this point, all I could do was laugh. The guy behind me even offered to pay for my snacks, but I politely refused, and dazedly walked back to my seat. It was almost starting, I couldn't help but giggle nervously to myself. This was unbelievable. God is here with me, I thought. He really does want the best for me and is trying to protect me. 


So why do I still feel like bingeing? Probably because I've got so much sugar and shit coursing through my veins. You can't just tell someone who's hammered to sober up, and expect them to do be able to do so immediately. Which is why I have to clean out my system and get abstinent again, in order to clear my pathway to God and to recovery.


But there's one thing I'm still unsure of. In the book (called Fat Boy Thin Man, btw), this guy loses over 100 pounds 3 different times, until finally finding spiritual, long-term recovery. But he also states that he now abstains entirely from sugar and flour. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I might have to give up these substances as well. Maybe not forever, but at least until I can put a floor under all this bingeing and stop the binges from occurring so frequently. I've been putting up such a fight regarding this. Most certainly because I already tried it when back home in Connecticut, and it was such an epic failure. But that's really not fair to say. I was still in the pattern of dangerous restriction (1000-1200 calories a day PLUS sports) and not attending any OA groups or therapy sessions. If I decide to eliminate these foods again, it will be in a healthy, non-abusive manner, and I will have valuable support from my doctor and OA friends. And who knows, no one's saying that I have to give up these foods forever, there may come a time when I can comfortably add them back to my food plan. At my OA meeting on Sunday, I am definitely going to ask advice from some of the members with longer-standing abstinence whether this was a vital part of their success. To speak with: Camille, Cécile, Hélène, Anne-Chloë. 


There's gotta be something to explain why I can go for 2 weeks, feeling great and not wanting to binge, to just throwing away all my hard work and driving myself back into hell. My sponsor said that even if you are doing well and you don't binge immediately after eating some sugar/flour, you plant a seed for an eventual binge. That's probably what I am doing. After I relapse, I get abstinent again by eating clean, healthy foods, but soon after, allow myself to "responsibly" go back to eating some sugar and flour. Over the course  of the two weeks, I'm continuously watering the seed, until the day it bursts out of the ground and knocks me down again. 


Just thinking about this as a possible tool is getting me all excited for recovery, which I desperately need. But at the same time, I'm still planning my "last meal" binge for tonight! What a mess. But I do genuinely feel oddly hopeful. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is probably going to suck at least a little bit. I'm going to mourn over the loss of my good friend, chocolate, and imagine the wonderful pleasure of just having some again. I will need to remind myself that it is NOT WORTH IT!!!! That even when I'm bingeing, I'm not enjoying it! It's almost like a burden while I'm eating it. I know there will come days when I will ask myself, "What's so good about abstinence? Today sucks." OK, that might be true, but trust me, the days when I am bingeing are MUCH MUCH MUCH worse, and instead of lasting just one day, like a bad day at work might, a binge will almost certainly ruin the better portion of my week, not to mention the long-term effects (of which there are too many to count). So we'll see how this pans out, will keep you posted!

Insatiable

Ugh. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What is this, day 5 and I'm already cracking? I feel pathetic right now. Let me explain.


So yesterday started out totally fine, slept ok, ate a normal breakfast. But at lunch, I overate a bit (nothing too unhealthy, but just more than I needed) and I immediately had a horrible craving for chocolate. I tried to calm myself down as much as possible, texted my sponsor, took a walk around the block (without my wallet) and just kept praying. It worked reasonably well in that I didn't race back to the office, grab my wallet, and head to the store, but I was thinking about it all afternoon. I was in meetings from after lunch until the end of the day, so no sneaking around was possible. But when the conference finally ended, I knew what I wanted to do. I would stop at a store and eat something on my walk home. Which is what I did. Luckily (another God intervention?) there were no real convenience stores or supermarkets on my path, and I only had 5€ in cash on me. Right before getting on the metro that would take me home, there was a little vendor selling baked goods, so I bought a small-medium chocolate muffin and a pecan tart (individual size). I savoured them both on the train, slowly, to drag out the experience. I didn't want to have to stop eating. If it wasn't for the fact that I had no more money on me and that Bertrand was expecting me at home, I'm sure the binge would have continued.  


Anyways, I got home and pretended like nothing had happened, like I had had a totally abstinent day, like I was genuinely hungry for dinner (even though I wasn't at all, but still wanted to eat). We got sub-par Japonese food and I wolfed it down plus dessert. Boy did I feel great... 


By the end of the night I was already thinking about how this would affect me the next day and what I would perhaps binge on. Not a good sign. Well today, I managed to hold on until lunch to let everything go to hell. I ate a big lunch plus a chocolate dessert, and that put me right away into binge mode. I had to go to a meeting immediately after, but once that was finished, I grabbed my bag and bounded out of the building as fast as I could and to the nearest bakery, where I ordered a pain au chocolat aux amandes (a giant chocolate/almond/sugar croissant) and a large apple tart. 


So here I am, back at my desk, having consumed these two big treats. I leave for a conference in Geneva this afternoon and have a 2 day gauntlet ahead of me. What I WANT to do, is continue bingeing. To stock up on my favorite binge foods that I'll get to enjoy all to myself on the 2 hour train ride. Then the hotel breakfast. Then the conference treats served non-stop. Then the train ride back to Paris. I know that is where this will go if I let it. I don't want to live these next 2 days like that (it might not even stop at 2!) but I feel so unbelievably powerless right now. I know that's the first step in recovery, admitting that I am powerless over food, but right now that admission is just giving me carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want. I feel like I will never be able to attain long-term abstinence. I was so positive and determined at the beginning of this week, and now it's falling apart. 


But I just can't stop. I don't want to. I'm an addict. A full-blown, powerless addict. 

Step 2, Question 1

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity


1. As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?


This is a daunting question to answer. So many images flash before my eyes, I'll try to capture some of them here. I have acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner when I repeatedly stuffed myself with food to the point of physical pain, to the point where I could hardly move or breathe. Past the point of even wanting to eat and literally just forcing it down. I have hoarded food from my co-workers, snuck out of my building multiple times to go buy food and eat it secretly in my office. I have been so disgusted with myself and my food that I have to throw it in the trash, only to fish it out and eat it moments later. I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on binges. I have walked and driven many miles in search of food, often driving incredibly fast and recklessly so I could stuff myself as immediately as possible. I have "helped myself to" food at the homes of friends, my host families, co-workers. I have used my hands as utensils and served myself with my fingers because I couldn't get the food in fast enough.  I have eaten food off the floor, food that wasn't cooked all the way through. I have snuck out of my house while my husband was sleeping to buy food, and have binged secretly when others were in the next room. I have been dishonest with myself and many others regarding food.  

Food Hangover

I've got a hangover. Not the alcohol kind. The kind where you wake up after 4 days of bingeing and look at the state of your apartment, the state of your life. I've got two voicemails on my phone. Both are from my best friend here in Paris wondering where I am. She had a big house-warming party at her new place last night...I'd been looking forward to it for weeks. Unfortunately, when a binge comes, everything else in my life gets put on the back burner. I need to call her back and I don't want to. Not because I don't want to talk to her, but because I am so ashamed. She knows about my eating disorder and she knows that I didn't come to her party because I relapsed, so I guess the silver lining of this is that I don't have to lie. You will probably start to notice a pattern in my posts, which is that most people in my life know about my eating disorder. My boss (I've missed plenty of work because of this), my close friends, my mother and sister, my in-laws (too many events missed, my husband had to tell them the truth), my doctors (very important). I honestly believe it's a good thing I can talk about my problem so freely with others, I think if I had to keep it a secret, the shame and the lies would just overwhelm me. But the flip side is that EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. So it often ends up being a topic of conversation. 


Anyways, back to my hangover. I'm sitting here looking at my apartment; the piles of clothes on every surface, the dishes in the sink, the smell of cat litter needing to be changed. I have a head ache and am slightly nauseous. Right now I'm scared. Scared that I won't make it through the day. The first day after a relapse is both the hardest and most important for me. If I can be abstinent today, tomorrow will be much easier, and the next day even easier. If I get enough momentum going, I can easily go two weeks without a binge. Ok, maybe not easily, but as I am a periodic binger, that's usually how it goes. One to two weeks of normal eating, and then BANG. I forget. And a harmless binge turns into 3-5 days of pure hell until I can summon the strength to stop and start the cycle over. But not this time. This time I am promising myself it will be different. Not just because I have a blog. That doesn't really change much. But because last night when talking to my husband, I realized that this is killing me. That this is killing our marriage. When I think about the massive quantities of pure sugar I am able to ingest these days, it's astonishing that I haven't already contracted (verb?) diabetes. And because of my extremely transitory life these past two years (just got health insurance in France), I haven't been to the dentist in ages. How are my teeth and gums holding up? And how is my digestive system still functioning after all I've put it through? 


My husband can't stand to see me slowly kill myself. It's really starting to weigh on him, and I can see some signs of depression starting to show through. If I can't be abstinent for myself, I need to at least be abstinent for him. Last night I promised him that I would make a commitment once and for all to abstinence. I've been allowing myself to have these bi-weekly "slips", saying that relapses are a part of the healing process. I've been afraid to be too hard on myself, as too much restriction and controlling in the past always led me to a rebellious break in abstinence. So this time, I am going to be kind but firm with myself. No more slips. Not because I'm aiming for perfection, but because I've created an extremely dangerous pattern for myself that needs to be broken once and for all. 


Alright, I'm going to start putting my apartment back in order and give my friend a call before heading out to my OA meeting tonight at 6pm. I need to keep praying and reminding myself that abstinence is worth it and that God will see me through this if I ask for his help.

Step 1, Question 9

9. Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience and am I convinced that I can't handle life through self-will alone?


I am becoming more and more aware of my inability to just let go and let God. I seem to always be in some state of tight-gripped control. I do think that I have made an honest appraisal of my experience. I know I have no control, not just over food, but over anything in my life. I think that I am in control; I try to plan everything to a T, to be a master of my emotions, desires, movements, thoughts. I've got it all backwards. 


I realize that my situation is very serious and that even when I was my "ideal size", I still had compulsive food issues. This was something I was not willing to recognize before. For so many years I blamed myself for not being strong enough to resist certain foods, maintain my weight, or stop eating BEFORE I was in physical pain. Now I know that I do have an incredible amount of willpower and that this has little to do with my situation. I have a disorder that makes me incapable of handling food (and life) through self-will alone. That does not make me weak. That makes me human and I know that going through all of this will make me a stronger, better person in the end. 

Step 1, Question 8

8. Am I ready to change and to learn?

YES, I am ready to change and to learn. I have been in the program for 6 months now, and already feel like I have implemented some positive changes in my life, and I am determined to keep up the pace. I must remind myself that this does not mean 'I am ready to be perfect', which is a recipe for disaster. It means that I am ready to start calling OA members before a binge. If it doesn't work right away, FINE. I'll just give it time, keep working the program, and it will work.

What else am I willing to change? I need to get rid of this all-or-nothing mentality. This idea that, "oh well I started a binge today already, so I'll wait till tomorrow or the next day to get abstinent again. It just won't feel right if I try to do it now". BULLSHIT. I can choose to be abstinent the second my mouth is empty. I could also let go of my stubborn opinion that I don't really need a sponsor and that using one will just turn this binge eating thing into an obsession...I'd say it's a little late for that! I'm definitely going to talk to my sponsor about this tomorrow and start becoming more involved with her, at least a text or call a day, as well as a bi-weekly or monthly review of my steps. 

Finally, I need to make letting go, particularly through meditation, a bigger aspect of my life. The biggest thing I can change now is working on living in the present and appreciating life one minute at a time. Easy, right?

Step 1, Question 5

*** I'm going to skip ahead a few questions, since I answered them in my notebook and don't feel like re-typing them all.


5. Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy?


I have tried a million different diets and workout routines, inspirational quotes and pictures, weighing myself regularly, not weighing myself regularly, etc. But my problems with food never went away, even if I was at my goal weight. I tried to do it on willpower alone, hating myself when I failed and not being able to understand why others could do it and not me. Now I know. It's because I have this "disease" and they don't. Knowing that is actually very comforting. I have a disease that makes me unable to control my reaction to food. I need to stop trying to control and deny this fact, and turn my situation over to God so that he can help me overcome the really difficult moments. I must let God be the control in my life and I will do everything I can to stay abstinent. But I will LET GO and LET LOVE.


I've had a very hard time understanding the difference between tight-fisted control over my situation and working hard to recover. I keep hearing over and over again, "Let go" "Stop controlling" "Turn it over to God" etc etc that I thought if I just went to meetings and did some service, worked my steps here and there, it would come easy. That no effort was required on my part to resist a binge. I am at least required to ask God for his help, which I was totally unwilling to do. I am at least required to call an OA friend before I take that first compulsive bite, which I was also totally unwilling to do. I am required to put abstinence first, as a tool of recovery, not as the "goal". All of these things are EASY. But they are new and different, and thus require WORK. I must always remember this important distinction. 

Step 1, Question 2

2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?


Physically, this illness makes me gain weight VERY quickly (up to 5-10 lbs a week) and makes me exhibit genuine symptoms of addiction. I feel literally hung over the next day and the only thing that makes me feel better is bingeing again. The terrible cycle continues until I am so miserable that my body can't take it anymore and somehow forces me to stop. But this is a progressive disease and what used to stop after one day/evening, then 2 days, then 3, now ravages my life for 4 whole days. I know if I don't stop this now, it will only get longer and longer. When I am bingeing, I lose all spiritual contact with God and myself. I feel hollow and lost, like my situation is hopeless and like I am an ugly failure. I get very insecure about my appearance and relationship, afraid that Bertrand will leave me because of this. I become extremely self-centered and don't think about anyone but myself. When I go through these phases, I can't help anyone and am emotionally/spiritually unavailable to care for others and be a good, positive influence in this world. I shut everyone out and feel very alone. 


a. Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by?


I have very clearly just gotten by at my job. Some days the disease takes hold of me completely, and even if I don't give in, bingeing and food is all I can think about. I can't concentrate on my work or do anything productive, and so I search for external ways to calm me down and distract myself, like surfing the internet, chatting with friends on gchat, reading my abstinence book, and praying. I have already been caught once not doing my work when I was supposed to. Or worse, I give in to the binge. Then my day becomes a game of strategy, planning what I'm going to eat next, how I'm going to get it, sneaking out of the building to go find it, bringing it back to my office to eat secretly. I have to chew very quietly because I'm terrified of the thought that my colleagues can hear me through the paper-thin walls. On days like this, I get nothing done and feel awful about myself. 


I find myself generally distracted at work. I work much slower than I would like and compare myself to my colleagues, feeling even worse and more inadequate. So as to unload some of this self-hate, I turn it around and say that I hate my job, that my job is making me miserable, and then I spend countless hours planning how/when to leave my job. I just had a week off from work and STILL binged for most of it, so I KNOW it's not the job causing this! I'm hoping this 12 Steps in 12 Months thing will also help motivate me professionally. I can't quit my job until I've completed my 12 Steps program (March 2013), so stop bitching, stop trying to pick a date, stop fantasizing about all the things that I would like to be doing instead of working, because I can tell you right now, until I have this eating disorder beat, I'm not getting anything else accomplished. As long as I'm still in recovery, I'm not missing much by staying at my job! Wow, that actually worked! Gives me a reason to stay motivated and in my job while working towards an end date. 


b. What has it been like living with me at home?


Usually, when I'm abstinent, my house is filled with love and positivity. But when I relapse, it is a nightmare. I am sad, irritable, and depressed. I don't want to communicate and I isolate myself a lot, totally avoiding Bertrand. I am ashamed of myself and disgusted by my appearance, so our sex life takes a big hit. I feel very insecure and physically, I am rather disgusting. I am gassy and bloated, often uncomfortable, and have to use the bathroom very frequently. If we had anything scheduled, like an evening with friends or a special meal, it usually gets canceled. I can barely take care of myself during these moments, let alone anything else, so my house usually gets very messy and I stop taking care of my husband and putting his needs before mine. He ends up having to take care of me, support me, cook and clean for me, and make me feel better. I feel like a bad wife and get insecure that he'll leave me because of this disease.


c. Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage?


When I am not abstinent, my main priority is to isolate myself and block out everyone - strangers, loved ones, Bertrand. If I had plans that day with someone, I usually make up some excuse and cancel last minute. I stop taking care of myself completely, refusing to work out, shower, even brush my teeth. Doing any of those normal things would somehow be recognizing all the unhealthy and out of control things I just did to myself. While I'm still in my isolated, virtual world of food, that real world doesn't exist. 

My friendships have definitely suffered, as I often refuse to see people, either because I am ashamed of my appearance or because I simply don't want anything to get in the way of my bingeing. I have refused many invitations, and have myself refused to make the effort to reach out to others. Seeing others becomes a burden. Or I'm just too disgusted with myself to let someone else see me. I shut out Bertrand and am embarrassed for him to see me naked. We do not have sex or I force myself into it just to please him. It is not a joyful environment as I am too self-involved and depressed. 

Step 1, Question 1

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable 


1. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a First-Step inventory of my compulsive eating history:


I remember large snacks after school. Lunches at school and all the different chips and cakes my mom packed for me, I could never get enough. Sometimes I would save up money to buy myself bagels or cookies from the cafeteria. Back then, it didn't seem strange at all. I was just hungry. Very hungry. And I was a chubby child, up until about 14 years old. I remember being made fun of by my brothers and classmates, always feeling so much bigger and uglier than the girls in my class. My first diets started early, no later than 13 years old, maybe even before then. I always chose some sort of fad, extreme diet with the most discomfort and restriction. If it didn't hurt it wasn't a diet, right? I got advice from friends and beauty magazines, thinking if I could just replicate those diets perfectly, I would finally be skinny. 


I spent virtually all of high school and the first two years of college on some sort of diet or wishing I was thinner. Any weight I managed to lose, I regained very quickly. My first memory of compulsively overeating was during my first year of college. Whenever I would come home to see my parents, I would go straight to the kitchen and binge on all of my favorite foods that I had missed while I was away at school. Donuts, sugary cereal, cake, pb&j sandwiches, ice cream. These were never full-on binges, I certainly wasn't even aware I was bingeing. But now looking back on this behavior that i did every time I came home, it is clear that I was creating a safe little cocoon of food around myself that I associated with home, familiarity, relaxation, excitement; all the wonderful feelings that went with coming home and seeing one's family. 


Then there was my eating behavior when I was with my ex-boyfriend. I can't believe it's only now that I'm realizing how insane this behavior was. As our relationship progressed, I would eat more and more when I was with him. I literally could not get full. We spent one summer month together in Europe and when I came back, he and my sister had a legitimate intervention over the weight I had gained. Then there was the time we went out to dinner for Valentine's Day and I ate so much at dinner I "couldn't" have sex. He was obviously mad. Particularly towards the end of our relationship, this behavior of overstuffing myself when I was around him continued. Needless to say, I was not happy in that relationship and after months of pain, finally managed to end it. 


During my third year of college, I managed to lose a substantial amount of weight while I was living abroad. All of my meals were prepared and eaten with my "host family" and there was no real availability of food elsewhere outside of meal times (remember, I was at this stage not a full-blown compulsive eater, the thought of sneaking around and having secret binges didn't even cross my mind). In addition to the structuring of food intake, I also had a lot more free time than I did when back at my home university, so I was able to go to the gym 4-5 times a week. 


But nevertheless, I still had some alarming behavior regarding food when I had been drinking alcohol. I would binge heavily on many nights that I went out drinking, and then go to the gym and eat very little the next day, which is how I managed to stay thin. I was also doing a lot of calorie counting - obsessing over what and when I was going to eat. But no day-time (sober) binges or compulsive snacking. Overall, I felt really good and finally happy with myself and my appearance. 


My last year at college almost reversed all of that. I became very sick with a serious stomach infection that went undiagnosed for months while I suffered. I lost even more weight, people thought I was anorexic, I stopped getting my period and became addicted to pain killers and sleeping pills. I was constantly uncomfortable, couldn't go out with my friends and drink or eat a lot, otherwise, I paid the price for days after. The only time when I wasn't truly uncomfortable was during the physical act of eating. It soothed me so much and took away the pain just for a few minutes...Only to come back even more intense as the digestion process began.I became terrified of food while at the same time obsessed by the times when I would get to eat. I made daily timetables, precise to the minute, on when I would get to eat and what. Everything else in between was just a distraction, just time to kill before I got my next bite, my next release. I'm sure that this has left some lasting marks on me and my perceptions/obsessions with food.


Even after I was treated for this illness, I was still very fragile digestively and often uncomfortable.  So my binges at this time were few and far between (as the price paid was 1-2 days of physical and psychological misery). But they were still there. I always kept some compulsive behavior regarding food. I would count calories incessantly, fearing that if I exceeded a (incredibly low) limit I set for myself, I would upset the stomach gods and they would make me pay. If I had been drinking, I often ceded to a binge, which led to double misery for days to come, and which is why I severely limited my social activities. Not to mention a lot of personal drama going on at this time and the constant loneliness I felt after coming back to school from my year abroad. I spent an incredible amount of time alone that year. I cried easily and a lot.


This behavior continued for a year or two. I moved back to France and I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I walked into Bertrand (my now husband)'s apartment for the first time. I barely recognized myself. I saw a girl who was damaged, depressed, a victim. Thank God for that amazing year in France, it maybe saved my life. That year I discovered meditation and prayer, in my attempt to overcome depression. And it truly worked. I fell in love with Bertrand and completely changed how I saw the world and life.


Then came time to move back to the States, AGAIN. I was starting my job in Banking, despite already knowing that the job was no longer for me, no longer my passion. The days were very long and it was hard to feel motivated to do something I had completely lost interest in. That's when the big binges started. At first, I kept them to the evening, but soon they crept into my mornings and afternoons as well. Some days I would raid the vending machine or serve myself very big meals down at the cafeteria. I became extremely depressed and even when I went out with friends, I often ended the night with a fast-food binge. I thought that quitting my job would make the behavior stop. That it was just a reaction to the stress, which would disappear as soon as I left my job. Boy was I wrong. The day I quit, I weighed 133 lbs, and I would gain at least 10 lbs over the months that followed, going from calorie counting and extreme vigilance over my food to binges that lasted for days on end. 


When I moved back to France for good, 3 months after quitting my job, I was very hopeful that the problem would stop on its own. Surely I couldn't binge while living with Bertrand! But the binges have only gotten more and more violent, more and more prolonged. I found OA in September 2012, a few months after my return to France. Since finding the program, I do a much better job in between binges, and can go for 2 weeks on end without a binge. But since September (so, about 6 months) I have already relapsed more times than I can count and it sends me right back into hell. I'd say I hit my "bottom" this past December. The night of my wedding anniversary. I had spent the previous 3 days bingeing and was sitting on the couch with my husband depressed and crying, telling him to divorce me so I could kill myself and finally just end it all. ON OUR FUCKING FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. So horrible. 


So that is a long account of the history of my binge eating disorder. I promise all my answers won't be as long as this one!

The Journey Begins Here

I am sitting on my couch in my apartment in Paris. It is 4:00 in the afternoon. Outside my window, the sky is a light gray blue, the trees are still bare, but spring is definitely approaching. The wind is calmer, there is less bite in the air, the sun isn't as skittish. On this Saturday in March, I am launching my 12 Steps in  12 Months journey to recover from my compulsive overeating. 


After having spent months scouring the internet, either looking for solutions to my binge eating problems, or simply looking for a way to distract myself from life, I realize that this blog is in no way original. There are literally hundreds of blogs dedicated to food addiction, eating disorders, obesity, weight loss, fitness, and every other kind of personal challenge you can think of. So I am not delusional enough to think that this will become some sort of internet sensation. This blog is just a way for me to force some sort of accountability, as I am nearing my wit's end with this "disease" and my inability to contain it. 


I guess some background information is in order. My name is Alison. I am 24 years old, a graduate from the University of Michigan, and I live with my husband in Paris, France. I help manage the US stock portfolio for a French asset management company. My husband is handsome, kind, and witty. I am tall and pretty. From the outside, my life seems perfect. From my view here on the couch, however, my life is hanging over the edge of a cliff. Why? Because I am a compulsive overeater and bulimic. 


This blog will be based on the 12 Steps program of Overeaters Anonymous. Each month, starting in March (it would have been more convenient if I had had this idea in January, but oh well)I will work through one of the steps, digging deep to answer questions from my OA Workbook. Since I have to do the work anyways, I figure I might as well share it with the world! I have been attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings for 6 months, and while I know I have made some progress, I am still stuck on step 1 and have become a master at self-sabotage. My "disease" (I'll eventually find a word to replace disease, never thought it was entirely accurate) wants me to stay an addict. My disease is extremely selfish. It does not care about my husband, or my family, or my career, or my friends, and especially not about my mental well-being. My disease is cunning and patient. What shocked me the most when I first realized I had this disease, was that simple realization is not enough. You can look the disease right in the face and say, I SEE YOU, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU! But that first compulsive bite will never change. The reaction will always be the same; it does not matter if I am in a good mood or if I have good self esteem; if I am stressed or worry-free. This tendency dwells inside me and is completely indifferent to my moods. It means that I will respond to a compulsive bite the same way every time. Thus, in order to get better, I must not take that first compulsive bite. And herein lies the problem. No matter how many times I have promised myself that "this time will be the last", no matter how sick and awful I feel after a huge binge, no matter how much I hurt my husband through my behavior and no matter how much I suffer knowing the harm I'm doing to my body, my mind, and others, I have yet to find long-term abstinence from compulsive overeating. 


I am a "periodic binger". That means that I can go a week or two without a binge. But when I do binge, it is violent and all-consuming (pun not really intended). It can last for hours, from morning till night, with small breaks here and there as I go about my day. My mind is completely clouded by the food. All emotions are blotted out and the majority of my time is spent trying to figure out what to eat next and how. The quantities have only gotten bigger over the past two years. Today isn't even a particularly 'bad' binge, and I have still managed to consume: 200g peanut M&Ms, 200g Nestle Crunch bars (2 BIG bars), a large ham, cheese, and butter baguette sandwich, a lemon eclair, a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and 4 danon yogurts...in a 4 hour period. Jesus. This is why I am doing this blog. I need serious help. 


How am I going to get this help? By working on my 12 Steps blog every day, meditating every morning, using my OA sponsor, calling people from the program BEFORE I binge, and going to OA meetings twice a week. I feel like I should have some goals in place, otherwise these promises are all as empty as those I made in the past. "Weigh-ins" or any other superficial incentives have lost all power, so that's out. I'll have to keep thinking about that...for now, my accountability will come from 1 Step per month. 


So here goes. I'm giving myself a year. It seems like a lot of time. So different from my old approaches of "get as skinny as you can as fast as possible". I really want to do this. I really want to look back after this year is over and see how far I've come, not just on the scale, but with my overall happiness and wellness. I know I can do this.