3. When those methods worked, how have I inevitably lost control and overeaten again, putting back on the weight I worked so hard to lose?
There were a few times when I had lost a noteworthy amount of weight, whether for an upcoming event or just because I decided to "get motivated" and slim down once and for all. But I never stayed at my goal weight for very long, packing on the points immediately after the event was over. Two examples are my wedding and the fashion show that I participated in during my sophomore year at college. As a part of a student government fund raising event, I had volunteered to be a "model" in the fashion show of local designers. I knew there would be hundreds of students and faculty present at the show, and I wanted to look my absolute best. So, I went on a strict diet (the details of which I no longer remember) and worked out at the gym for HOURS on end. I would typically run for an hour and then do at least 30 minutes of weight lifting and ab exercises. I was in pretty amazing shape by the day of the fashion show, but I was also STARVING. During the show, I appeared in three different outfits, one of which was a bikini! In front of my student body! And I wasn't even nervous, I felt very proud of myself, confident, and beautiful. But literally the minute the show ended, I found myself double-fisting slices of pizza. I couldn't get it in fast enough. I ate like a pig and stopped going to the gym; within just a few days, I had gained back all the weight I had lost for the show. Doh!
For my wedding, it was even worse. A few months before my wedding, I was still ~10 pounds heavier than my "ideal" weight, as I had gained a considerable amount after leaving UBS and my bingeing had become worse than ever. But I was determined to lose the weight and be as tiny as possible for my wedding pictures. To accomplish this, I opted for the Dukan diet, a no-carb, no-fat, all-you-can-eat protein diet. Because it was all you can eat, I actually did a fairly good job sticking to the diet, and did lose a considerable amount of weight. I ended up looking beautiful in my wedding pictures, and the celebration was the most amazing day of my entire life. The dinner was DELICIOUS, and I was no longer restricting my food, so I actually got to enjoy it. I only over-ate a tiny bit at the dessert (chocolate cake...was just too good!), but I paid close attention to not eat too much, knowing that it would ruin my night. I had to party till morning and didn't want to feel overly full and uncomfortable. So that was enough motivation to keep me from completely pigging out.
The next day was another story. Waking up after only an hour or two of sleep, I still had sugar and alcohol coursing through my veins. I wasn't hungry at all, but when I saw the giant loaves of bread and collection of jams/nutella, I dove right in. The bingeing completely snowballed from there. I had breakfast 3 different times that morning; each time some new people showed up I used it as an excuse to eat again, thinking no one would notice (no one did). I continued to overeat for the next day or two until my family and I left for Ireland (saddly leaving Bertrand behind). That's when the real binges started. BOTH nights we stayed in Dublin, I used the excuse that I was too tired to go out (I really was after the wedding month, but still, pathetic, I should have rallied). Instead, I stayed alone while my family and friends visited the city so I could eat and sleep. Every meal we went out to I used as an opportunity to stuff myself with junk, like french fries and fried fish, followed by dessert. I bought packets and packets of chocolate and cookies and ate them as "snacks" throughout the day. The only real memory I have of what should have been a once-in-a-lifetime trip is me sneaking off to eat. It makes me so mad!
That's one emotion that I haven't yet expressed on this blog: anger. At first, I didn't really think I was angry, just sad and ashamed. But after talking to an OA friend, she finally got it out of me. I am so. fucking. pissed. Pissed at myself, pissed at my situation, pissed at my sorry excuse for what I've done with the amazing hand I was dealt. I know it's not my fault that I have this abnormal tendancy, but it is my fault that I let it get this bad, and for that, I am furious. Getting back to the point of this post, I am pissed that after all my hard work, whether that be in losing weight, or just in life in general, I throw it all away with my compulsive eating. And I'm left exhausted and discouraged by the struggle. Compulsive overeating steals my life away from me. Even in a comlpetely isolated case (which it never is), compulsive eating is NEVER innocent and it will ALWAYS harm me and bring me farther away from my dreams and my true self.
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