I am sitting on my couch in my apartment in Paris. It is 4:00 in the afternoon. Outside my window, the sky is a light gray blue, the trees are still bare, but spring is definitely approaching. The wind is calmer, there is less bite in the air, the sun isn't as skittish. On this Saturday in March, I am launching my 12 Steps in 12 Months journey to recover from my compulsive overeating.
After having spent months scouring the internet, either looking for solutions to my binge eating problems, or simply looking for a way to distract myself from life, I realize that this blog is in no way original. There are literally hundreds of blogs dedicated to food addiction, eating disorders, obesity, weight loss, fitness, and every other kind of personal challenge you can think of. So I am not delusional enough to think that this will become some sort of internet sensation. This blog is just a way for me to force some sort of accountability, as I am nearing my wit's end with this "disease" and my inability to contain it.
I guess some background information is in order. My name is Alison. I am 24 years old, a graduate from the University of Michigan, and I live with my husband in Paris, France. I help manage the US stock portfolio for a French asset management company. My husband is handsome, kind, and witty. I am tall and pretty. From the outside, my life seems perfect. From my view here on the couch, however, my life is hanging over the edge of a cliff. Why? Because I am a compulsive overeater and bulimic.
This blog will be based on the 12 Steps program of Overeaters Anonymous. Each month, starting in March (it would have been more convenient if I had had this idea in January, but oh well)I will work through one of the steps, digging deep to answer questions from my OA Workbook. Since I have to do the work anyways, I figure I might as well share it with the world! I have been attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings for 6 months, and while I know I have made some progress, I am still stuck on step 1 and have become a master at self-sabotage. My "disease" (I'll eventually find a word to replace disease, never thought it was entirely accurate) wants me to stay an addict. My disease is extremely selfish. It does not care about my husband, or my family, or my career, or my friends, and especially not about my mental well-being. My disease is cunning and patient. What shocked me the most when I first realized I had this disease, was that simple realization is not enough. You can look the disease right in the face and say, I SEE YOU, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU! But that first compulsive bite will never change. The reaction will always be the same; it does not matter if I am in a good mood or if I have good self esteem; if I am stressed or worry-free. This tendency dwells inside me and is completely indifferent to my moods. It means that I will respond to a compulsive bite the same way every time. Thus, in order to get better, I must not take that first compulsive bite. And herein lies the problem. No matter how many times I have promised myself that "this time will be the last", no matter how sick and awful I feel after a huge binge, no matter how much I hurt my husband through my behavior and no matter how much I suffer knowing the harm I'm doing to my body, my mind, and others, I have yet to find long-term abstinence from compulsive overeating.
I am a "periodic binger". That means that I can go a week or two without a binge. But when I do binge, it is violent and all-consuming (pun not really intended). It can last for hours, from morning till night, with small breaks here and there as I go about my day. My mind is completely clouded by the food. All emotions are blotted out and the majority of my time is spent trying to figure out what to eat next and how. The quantities have only gotten bigger over the past two years. Today isn't even a particularly 'bad' binge, and I have still managed to consume: 200g peanut M&Ms, 200g Nestle Crunch bars (2 BIG bars), a large ham, cheese, and butter baguette sandwich, a lemon eclair, a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and 4 danon yogurts...in a 4 hour period. Jesus. This is why I am doing this blog. I need serious help.
How am I going to get this help? By working on my 12 Steps blog every day, meditating every morning, using my OA sponsor, calling people from the program BEFORE I binge, and going to OA meetings twice a week. I feel like I should have some goals in place, otherwise these promises are all as empty as those I made in the past. "Weigh-ins" or any other superficial incentives have lost all power, so that's out. I'll have to keep thinking about that...for now, my accountability will come from 1 Step per month.
So here goes. I'm giving myself a year. It seems like a lot of time. So different from my old approaches of "get as skinny as you can as fast as possible". I really want to do this. I really want to look back after this year is over and see how far I've come, not just on the scale, but with my overall happiness and wellness. I know I can do this.
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