In a hole

I'm in a hole and I'm having a very hard time climbing out of it. This has been a very very bad relapse. Probably because I was alone for so much of it. The quantities have been off the chart and I seem to have lost all motivation to stop bingeing and get abstinent again. My reflection in the mirror horrifies me. I have gained a considerable amount of weight this past week; my face has seemingly doubled in size. But I can't stop. I want to stop, but not enough. I need to do some OA exercises to get back on track and to remind me why I need to stop bingeing. Will post them here. Happy Sunday everybody..

He DOES exist!

*** Transcribed from my journal entry on Friday, March 16, 2012


Holy crap. HOLY CRAP! I just had some SERIOUS divine intervention. Let me start by explaining my experience yesterday. As you can see in the post below, I was headed for a trip down binge alley. Well, I'm sorry to say that I gave in to a full-on, hardcore, genuinely scary binge. By the end, I was in intense, physical pain. I mean, I thought I had done some actual damage. And I was stuck on a train between Paris and Geneva. When the train finally reached its destination, I was so full and sick I could barely move. The second I got to my hotel room, I threw up. Not a terribly large amount just enough to release the pressure and free up some space. I really really don't want to list everything I ate (I'm not even sure I can remember it all),  but I'm going to force myself to. No more hiding, I need to face the true ugliness of this if I want to get better:


- 2 giant pastries
- 1 large, shitty dry brownie
- 2 Twix bars (as in, 2 packs of 2 individual sticks)
- 1 ham and cheese baguette sandwich
- 1 apricot muffin
- 1/2 chicken sandwich
- 1 large bag of peanut M&Ms


This was one of the worst binges I've had in a while. Why did I do it? I have no idea. Because I had started it yesterday and felt compelled to continue it. Because even when I'm in physical pain I love the feeling of feeling nothing else at all. Everything else is stomped out. My breath almost goes with it. I'm completely addicted to the rush and the numbness. 


But anyways, back to the original point of this post. I was reading a book that had been suggested on a bulimia blog, detailing the journey of one man's recovery from food addiction. I'm pretty sure the book is self-published, since it's absolutely terrible, but he did do a very good job of getting one point across. Recovery is dependent on a significant spiritual component.


That's it. I'm required to do some necessary footwork, but my long-term wellness can only be restored if I embrace a power greater than myself and give up my control to him. So as I lay in bed last night, stomach still round and firm, I said the words out loud for the first time. "God. Please help me. Please help me to be abstinent. Please remove my desire for unhealthy food. Please help me God. I am completely powerless and so scared." I immediately felt much better. Relieved and safe. Like I would be taken care of. I just had to be patient and keep coming back. Keep working the steps and praying to God every day for recovery. I soon drifted off and had a very restful sleep. In the morning, I woke up with no urge to binge. Despite the decadent hotel buffet breakfast, I ate a modest portion of cereal and a glass of orange juice. It was unbelievable. Day after a binge + all alone + BREAKFAST BUFFET and NO binge!


But I'm not totally cured yet; the desire eventually crept in while at my conference. I am now back on the train headed home to Paris and have almost exactly reproduced the same binge as yesterday. Big bag of M&Ms, sandwiches, muffin, etc. But I wasn't finished. I grabbed my wallet and made my way to the bar car on the train. I had no cash on me, but I saw that credit cards were accepted, so I waited my turn and ordered a bag of peanut M&Ms (seriously, what's with me and those things!? They're not even THAT good!) and a Twix bar. I insert the card into the machine and....Card Not Read. Huh? I JUST used this card. So I tried again at least 3 more times. Nothing. Ok... I wasn't going to give up easily, so I tried another card. This time, the machine read it. Whew, I though. I punched in my pin and waited...Payment Refused. What!? Not possible, try again. Again, I tried at least 3 more times to no avail. The line was  building behind me and I was starting to look desperate. Alright, LAST try, as I handed the clerk my third and final card, a card that I had used successfully not  three hours earlier. Card Not Read. At this point, all I could do was laugh. The guy behind me even offered to pay for my snacks, but I politely refused, and dazedly walked back to my seat. It was almost starting, I couldn't help but giggle nervously to myself. This was unbelievable. God is here with me, I thought. He really does want the best for me and is trying to protect me. 


So why do I still feel like bingeing? Probably because I've got so much sugar and shit coursing through my veins. You can't just tell someone who's hammered to sober up, and expect them to do be able to do so immediately. Which is why I have to clean out my system and get abstinent again, in order to clear my pathway to God and to recovery.


But there's one thing I'm still unsure of. In the book (called Fat Boy Thin Man, btw), this guy loses over 100 pounds 3 different times, until finally finding spiritual, long-term recovery. But he also states that he now abstains entirely from sugar and flour. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I might have to give up these substances as well. Maybe not forever, but at least until I can put a floor under all this bingeing and stop the binges from occurring so frequently. I've been putting up such a fight regarding this. Most certainly because I already tried it when back home in Connecticut, and it was such an epic failure. But that's really not fair to say. I was still in the pattern of dangerous restriction (1000-1200 calories a day PLUS sports) and not attending any OA groups or therapy sessions. If I decide to eliminate these foods again, it will be in a healthy, non-abusive manner, and I will have valuable support from my doctor and OA friends. And who knows, no one's saying that I have to give up these foods forever, there may come a time when I can comfortably add them back to my food plan. At my OA meeting on Sunday, I am definitely going to ask advice from some of the members with longer-standing abstinence whether this was a vital part of their success. To speak with: Camille, Cécile, Hélène, Anne-Chloë. 


There's gotta be something to explain why I can go for 2 weeks, feeling great and not wanting to binge, to just throwing away all my hard work and driving myself back into hell. My sponsor said that even if you are doing well and you don't binge immediately after eating some sugar/flour, you plant a seed for an eventual binge. That's probably what I am doing. After I relapse, I get abstinent again by eating clean, healthy foods, but soon after, allow myself to "responsibly" go back to eating some sugar and flour. Over the course  of the two weeks, I'm continuously watering the seed, until the day it bursts out of the ground and knocks me down again. 


Just thinking about this as a possible tool is getting me all excited for recovery, which I desperately need. But at the same time, I'm still planning my "last meal" binge for tonight! What a mess. But I do genuinely feel oddly hopeful. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is probably going to suck at least a little bit. I'm going to mourn over the loss of my good friend, chocolate, and imagine the wonderful pleasure of just having some again. I will need to remind myself that it is NOT WORTH IT!!!! That even when I'm bingeing, I'm not enjoying it! It's almost like a burden while I'm eating it. I know there will come days when I will ask myself, "What's so good about abstinence? Today sucks." OK, that might be true, but trust me, the days when I am bingeing are MUCH MUCH MUCH worse, and instead of lasting just one day, like a bad day at work might, a binge will almost certainly ruin the better portion of my week, not to mention the long-term effects (of which there are too many to count). So we'll see how this pans out, will keep you posted!

Insatiable

Ugh. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What is this, day 5 and I'm already cracking? I feel pathetic right now. Let me explain.


So yesterday started out totally fine, slept ok, ate a normal breakfast. But at lunch, I overate a bit (nothing too unhealthy, but just more than I needed) and I immediately had a horrible craving for chocolate. I tried to calm myself down as much as possible, texted my sponsor, took a walk around the block (without my wallet) and just kept praying. It worked reasonably well in that I didn't race back to the office, grab my wallet, and head to the store, but I was thinking about it all afternoon. I was in meetings from after lunch until the end of the day, so no sneaking around was possible. But when the conference finally ended, I knew what I wanted to do. I would stop at a store and eat something on my walk home. Which is what I did. Luckily (another God intervention?) there were no real convenience stores or supermarkets on my path, and I only had 5€ in cash on me. Right before getting on the metro that would take me home, there was a little vendor selling baked goods, so I bought a small-medium chocolate muffin and a pecan tart (individual size). I savoured them both on the train, slowly, to drag out the experience. I didn't want to have to stop eating. If it wasn't for the fact that I had no more money on me and that Bertrand was expecting me at home, I'm sure the binge would have continued.  


Anyways, I got home and pretended like nothing had happened, like I had had a totally abstinent day, like I was genuinely hungry for dinner (even though I wasn't at all, but still wanted to eat). We got sub-par Japonese food and I wolfed it down plus dessert. Boy did I feel great... 


By the end of the night I was already thinking about how this would affect me the next day and what I would perhaps binge on. Not a good sign. Well today, I managed to hold on until lunch to let everything go to hell. I ate a big lunch plus a chocolate dessert, and that put me right away into binge mode. I had to go to a meeting immediately after, but once that was finished, I grabbed my bag and bounded out of the building as fast as I could and to the nearest bakery, where I ordered a pain au chocolat aux amandes (a giant chocolate/almond/sugar croissant) and a large apple tart. 


So here I am, back at my desk, having consumed these two big treats. I leave for a conference in Geneva this afternoon and have a 2 day gauntlet ahead of me. What I WANT to do, is continue bingeing. To stock up on my favorite binge foods that I'll get to enjoy all to myself on the 2 hour train ride. Then the hotel breakfast. Then the conference treats served non-stop. Then the train ride back to Paris. I know that is where this will go if I let it. I don't want to live these next 2 days like that (it might not even stop at 2!) but I feel so unbelievably powerless right now. I know that's the first step in recovery, admitting that I am powerless over food, but right now that admission is just giving me carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want. I feel like I will never be able to attain long-term abstinence. I was so positive and determined at the beginning of this week, and now it's falling apart. 


But I just can't stop. I don't want to. I'm an addict. A full-blown, powerless addict. 

Step 2, Question 1

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity


1. As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?


This is a daunting question to answer. So many images flash before my eyes, I'll try to capture some of them here. I have acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner when I repeatedly stuffed myself with food to the point of physical pain, to the point where I could hardly move or breathe. Past the point of even wanting to eat and literally just forcing it down. I have hoarded food from my co-workers, snuck out of my building multiple times to go buy food and eat it secretly in my office. I have been so disgusted with myself and my food that I have to throw it in the trash, only to fish it out and eat it moments later. I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on binges. I have walked and driven many miles in search of food, often driving incredibly fast and recklessly so I could stuff myself as immediately as possible. I have "helped myself to" food at the homes of friends, my host families, co-workers. I have used my hands as utensils and served myself with my fingers because I couldn't get the food in fast enough.  I have eaten food off the floor, food that wasn't cooked all the way through. I have snuck out of my house while my husband was sleeping to buy food, and have binged secretly when others were in the next room. I have been dishonest with myself and many others regarding food.  

Food Hangover

I've got a hangover. Not the alcohol kind. The kind where you wake up after 4 days of bingeing and look at the state of your apartment, the state of your life. I've got two voicemails on my phone. Both are from my best friend here in Paris wondering where I am. She had a big house-warming party at her new place last night...I'd been looking forward to it for weeks. Unfortunately, when a binge comes, everything else in my life gets put on the back burner. I need to call her back and I don't want to. Not because I don't want to talk to her, but because I am so ashamed. She knows about my eating disorder and she knows that I didn't come to her party because I relapsed, so I guess the silver lining of this is that I don't have to lie. You will probably start to notice a pattern in my posts, which is that most people in my life know about my eating disorder. My boss (I've missed plenty of work because of this), my close friends, my mother and sister, my in-laws (too many events missed, my husband had to tell them the truth), my doctors (very important). I honestly believe it's a good thing I can talk about my problem so freely with others, I think if I had to keep it a secret, the shame and the lies would just overwhelm me. But the flip side is that EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. So it often ends up being a topic of conversation. 


Anyways, back to my hangover. I'm sitting here looking at my apartment; the piles of clothes on every surface, the dishes in the sink, the smell of cat litter needing to be changed. I have a head ache and am slightly nauseous. Right now I'm scared. Scared that I won't make it through the day. The first day after a relapse is both the hardest and most important for me. If I can be abstinent today, tomorrow will be much easier, and the next day even easier. If I get enough momentum going, I can easily go two weeks without a binge. Ok, maybe not easily, but as I am a periodic binger, that's usually how it goes. One to two weeks of normal eating, and then BANG. I forget. And a harmless binge turns into 3-5 days of pure hell until I can summon the strength to stop and start the cycle over. But not this time. This time I am promising myself it will be different. Not just because I have a blog. That doesn't really change much. But because last night when talking to my husband, I realized that this is killing me. That this is killing our marriage. When I think about the massive quantities of pure sugar I am able to ingest these days, it's astonishing that I haven't already contracted (verb?) diabetes. And because of my extremely transitory life these past two years (just got health insurance in France), I haven't been to the dentist in ages. How are my teeth and gums holding up? And how is my digestive system still functioning after all I've put it through? 


My husband can't stand to see me slowly kill myself. It's really starting to weigh on him, and I can see some signs of depression starting to show through. If I can't be abstinent for myself, I need to at least be abstinent for him. Last night I promised him that I would make a commitment once and for all to abstinence. I've been allowing myself to have these bi-weekly "slips", saying that relapses are a part of the healing process. I've been afraid to be too hard on myself, as too much restriction and controlling in the past always led me to a rebellious break in abstinence. So this time, I am going to be kind but firm with myself. No more slips. Not because I'm aiming for perfection, but because I've created an extremely dangerous pattern for myself that needs to be broken once and for all. 


Alright, I'm going to start putting my apartment back in order and give my friend a call before heading out to my OA meeting tonight at 6pm. I need to keep praying and reminding myself that abstinence is worth it and that God will see me through this if I ask for his help.

Step 1, Question 9

9. Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience and am I convinced that I can't handle life through self-will alone?


I am becoming more and more aware of my inability to just let go and let God. I seem to always be in some state of tight-gripped control. I do think that I have made an honest appraisal of my experience. I know I have no control, not just over food, but over anything in my life. I think that I am in control; I try to plan everything to a T, to be a master of my emotions, desires, movements, thoughts. I've got it all backwards. 


I realize that my situation is very serious and that even when I was my "ideal size", I still had compulsive food issues. This was something I was not willing to recognize before. For so many years I blamed myself for not being strong enough to resist certain foods, maintain my weight, or stop eating BEFORE I was in physical pain. Now I know that I do have an incredible amount of willpower and that this has little to do with my situation. I have a disorder that makes me incapable of handling food (and life) through self-will alone. That does not make me weak. That makes me human and I know that going through all of this will make me a stronger, better person in the end. 

Step 1, Question 8

8. Am I ready to change and to learn?

YES, I am ready to change and to learn. I have been in the program for 6 months now, and already feel like I have implemented some positive changes in my life, and I am determined to keep up the pace. I must remind myself that this does not mean 'I am ready to be perfect', which is a recipe for disaster. It means that I am ready to start calling OA members before a binge. If it doesn't work right away, FINE. I'll just give it time, keep working the program, and it will work.

What else am I willing to change? I need to get rid of this all-or-nothing mentality. This idea that, "oh well I started a binge today already, so I'll wait till tomorrow or the next day to get abstinent again. It just won't feel right if I try to do it now". BULLSHIT. I can choose to be abstinent the second my mouth is empty. I could also let go of my stubborn opinion that I don't really need a sponsor and that using one will just turn this binge eating thing into an obsession...I'd say it's a little late for that! I'm definitely going to talk to my sponsor about this tomorrow and start becoming more involved with her, at least a text or call a day, as well as a bi-weekly or monthly review of my steps. 

Finally, I need to make letting go, particularly through meditation, a bigger aspect of my life. The biggest thing I can change now is working on living in the present and appreciating life one minute at a time. Easy, right?