Hump Day

Walking back to my office after a very filling, yet healthy, lunch, I tried to ignore that whispering voice in the back of my mind saying, "Woudn't it be nice to have something sweet, some chocolate maybe, to end the meal". I had already had my "something sweet", a healthy bowl of fat-free plain yogurt and delicious fresh fruit, just a few minutes before. That's when I realized it: today's Wednesday. My Hump Day. While I can't be sure, I'm almost positive I have relapsed more often on Wednesdays than any other day. Why is this? I assume it's because I start the week with good intentions, telling myself on Sunday night that starting Monday, the habit is gone for good, PERIOD. I have a good Monday, an even better Tuesday, and by Wednesday, I've forgotten. That's all the time it takes. I've forgotten why I can't just have a little chocolate, why I can't just have one small binge and stop there, why even just one small binge beats the shit out of my self-esteem and is always followed by bigger and bigger binges. I forgot that I have said NO SUGAR for a month. Even as I write this, that part of my mind where my ED dwells is fighting to be heard, while another part is racing to silence it. I wish I hadn't brought my wallet today, that would make this easier.

Instead of listing all the negative aspects about a binge, I'm going to try and do the opposite: list the positive aspects of my life that are worth fighting for and that will give me the self-esteem and motivation to shut that little voice up for good. Here goes:

- I have made a committment to not eat sugar for a month and a half. This is to prove to myself that I am not a slave to even the most subtle and powerful of substances. FUCK YOU SUGAR I DON'T NEED YOU. A month without sugar will make me very proud of myself and will show that I really can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

- Getting home and cooking a delicious, healthy meal with my husband while playing music in the background and joking around in the kitchen. Instead of me coming home and before even saying hi, sticking my head in the toilet. Even if I don't vomit, I will spend the evening uncomfortable and moody on the couch. I will have no interest in cooking the healthy dinner we have planned and will either be obsessing about my weight or about how I can get some more binge food.

- My physical health. Last night I scared the shit out of myself by thinking that I might have become diabetic (long story short, I'm not). I can not keep risking my health so recklessly, there will be consequences, even if they are not immediately apparent. 

- My trip to the States in May. I am so so excited to go home and see my friends and family and I want to be healthy for that trip. I can not enjoy myself if I am bingeing, so I need to end these cycles of relapse NOW. Also, we're going to be spending a week at the beach, and I don't want to be miserable and ashamed of my body the whole time (I won't push this one too far, thinking like this actually puts more pressure on me and tends to have me react with a rebellious binge).

- Having a fun, relaxing, active weekend with friends as opposed to hiding in the apartment and destroying my body and mind. On Saturday, I get to go to a fun new gym class, I'm taking my cat to the vet, I'll probably get a massage, and then I have a revitalizing hair treatment and cut, followed by a romantic dinner with my husband.

...alright that kind of worked...but I still want to binge! Time to get tough with myself: ALISON, you will NOT EAT SUGAR. ONE MONTH. THAT'S IT. YOU WILL KEEP RUINING YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T STOP. THINK OF HOW AWESOME YOUR LIFE WAS 2 YEARS AGO, YOU NEED TO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET BACK TO THAT AND THAT MEANS LEAVING THIS BINGE EATING BEHIND. YOU DON'T NEED IT! IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 

I'm going to just put my head down and focus on work for the rest of the day, I'm not even going to read any OA literature, that stuff sometimes just makes me obsesses about overeating and I end up bingeing. Whew, deep breaths... will let you know how it goes.