2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?
Physically, this illness makes me gain weight VERY quickly (up to 5-10 lbs a week) and makes me exhibit genuine symptoms of addiction. I feel literally hung over the next day and the only thing that makes me feel better is bingeing again. The terrible cycle continues until I am so miserable that my body can't take it anymore and somehow forces me to stop. But this is a progressive disease and what used to stop after one day/evening, then 2 days, then 3, now ravages my life for 4 whole days. I know if I don't stop this now, it will only get longer and longer. When I am bingeing, I lose all spiritual contact with God and myself. I feel hollow and lost, like my situation is hopeless and like I am an ugly failure. I get very insecure about my appearance and relationship, afraid that Bertrand will leave me because of this. I become extremely self-centered and don't think about anyone but myself. When I go through these phases, I can't help anyone and am emotionally/spiritually unavailable to care for others and be a good, positive influence in this world. I shut everyone out and feel very alone.
a. Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by?
I have very clearly just gotten by at my job. Some days the disease takes hold of me completely, and even if I don't give in, bingeing and food is all I can think about. I can't concentrate on my work or do anything productive, and so I search for external ways to calm me down and distract myself, like surfing the internet, chatting with friends on gchat, reading my abstinence book, and praying. I have already been caught once not doing my work when I was supposed to. Or worse, I give in to the binge. Then my day becomes a game of strategy, planning what I'm going to eat next, how I'm going to get it, sneaking out of the building to go find it, bringing it back to my office to eat secretly. I have to chew very quietly because I'm terrified of the thought that my colleagues can hear me through the paper-thin walls. On days like this, I get nothing done and feel awful about myself.
I find myself generally distracted at work. I work much slower than I would like and compare myself to my colleagues, feeling even worse and more inadequate. So as to unload some of this self-hate, I turn it around and say that I hate my job, that my job is making me miserable, and then I spend countless hours planning how/when to leave my job. I just had a week off from work and STILL binged for most of it, so I KNOW it's not the job causing this! I'm hoping this 12 Steps in 12 Months thing will also help motivate me professionally. I can't quit my job until I've completed my 12 Steps program (March 2013), so stop bitching, stop trying to pick a date, stop fantasizing about all the things that I would like to be doing instead of working, because I can tell you right now, until I have this eating disorder beat, I'm not getting anything else accomplished. As long as I'm still in recovery, I'm not missing much by staying at my job! Wow, that actually worked! Gives me a reason to stay motivated and in my job while working towards an end date.
b. What has it been like living with me at home?
Usually, when I'm abstinent, my house is filled with love and positivity. But when I relapse, it is a nightmare. I am sad, irritable, and depressed. I don't want to communicate and I isolate myself a lot, totally avoiding Bertrand. I am ashamed of myself and disgusted by my appearance, so our sex life takes a big hit. I feel very insecure and physically, I am rather disgusting. I am gassy and bloated, often uncomfortable, and have to use the bathroom very frequently. If we had anything scheduled, like an evening with friends or a special meal, it usually gets canceled. I can barely take care of myself during these moments, let alone anything else, so my house usually gets very messy and I stop taking care of my husband and putting his needs before mine. He ends up having to take care of me, support me, cook and clean for me, and make me feel better. I feel like a bad wife and get insecure that he'll leave me because of this disease.
c. Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage?
When I am not abstinent, my main priority is to isolate myself and block out everyone - strangers, loved ones, Bertrand. If I had plans that day with someone, I usually make up some excuse and cancel last minute. I stop taking care of myself completely, refusing to work out, shower, even brush my teeth. Doing any of those normal things would somehow be recognizing all the unhealthy and out of control things I just did to myself. While I'm still in my isolated, virtual world of food, that real world doesn't exist.
My friendships have definitely suffered, as I often refuse to see people, either because I am ashamed of my appearance or because I simply don't want anything to get in the way of my bingeing. I have refused many invitations, and have myself refused to make the effort to reach out to others. Seeing others becomes a burden. Or I'm just too disgusted with myself to let someone else see me. I shut out Bertrand and am embarrassed for him to see me naked. We do not have sex or I force myself into it just to please him. It is not a joyful environment as I am too self-involved and depressed.
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