He DOES exist!

*** Transcribed from my journal entry on Friday, March 16, 2012


Holy crap. HOLY CRAP! I just had some SERIOUS divine intervention. Let me start by explaining my experience yesterday. As you can see in the post below, I was headed for a trip down binge alley. Well, I'm sorry to say that I gave in to a full-on, hardcore, genuinely scary binge. By the end, I was in intense, physical pain. I mean, I thought I had done some actual damage. And I was stuck on a train between Paris and Geneva. When the train finally reached its destination, I was so full and sick I could barely move. The second I got to my hotel room, I threw up. Not a terribly large amount just enough to release the pressure and free up some space. I really really don't want to list everything I ate (I'm not even sure I can remember it all),  but I'm going to force myself to. No more hiding, I need to face the true ugliness of this if I want to get better:


- 2 giant pastries
- 1 large, shitty dry brownie
- 2 Twix bars (as in, 2 packs of 2 individual sticks)
- 1 ham and cheese baguette sandwich
- 1 apricot muffin
- 1/2 chicken sandwich
- 1 large bag of peanut M&Ms


This was one of the worst binges I've had in a while. Why did I do it? I have no idea. Because I had started it yesterday and felt compelled to continue it. Because even when I'm in physical pain I love the feeling of feeling nothing else at all. Everything else is stomped out. My breath almost goes with it. I'm completely addicted to the rush and the numbness. 


But anyways, back to the original point of this post. I was reading a book that had been suggested on a bulimia blog, detailing the journey of one man's recovery from food addiction. I'm pretty sure the book is self-published, since it's absolutely terrible, but he did do a very good job of getting one point across. Recovery is dependent on a significant spiritual component.


That's it. I'm required to do some necessary footwork, but my long-term wellness can only be restored if I embrace a power greater than myself and give up my control to him. So as I lay in bed last night, stomach still round and firm, I said the words out loud for the first time. "God. Please help me. Please help me to be abstinent. Please remove my desire for unhealthy food. Please help me God. I am completely powerless and so scared." I immediately felt much better. Relieved and safe. Like I would be taken care of. I just had to be patient and keep coming back. Keep working the steps and praying to God every day for recovery. I soon drifted off and had a very restful sleep. In the morning, I woke up with no urge to binge. Despite the decadent hotel buffet breakfast, I ate a modest portion of cereal and a glass of orange juice. It was unbelievable. Day after a binge + all alone + BREAKFAST BUFFET and NO binge!


But I'm not totally cured yet; the desire eventually crept in while at my conference. I am now back on the train headed home to Paris and have almost exactly reproduced the same binge as yesterday. Big bag of M&Ms, sandwiches, muffin, etc. But I wasn't finished. I grabbed my wallet and made my way to the bar car on the train. I had no cash on me, but I saw that credit cards were accepted, so I waited my turn and ordered a bag of peanut M&Ms (seriously, what's with me and those things!? They're not even THAT good!) and a Twix bar. I insert the card into the machine and....Card Not Read. Huh? I JUST used this card. So I tried again at least 3 more times. Nothing. Ok... I wasn't going to give up easily, so I tried another card. This time, the machine read it. Whew, I though. I punched in my pin and waited...Payment Refused. What!? Not possible, try again. Again, I tried at least 3 more times to no avail. The line was  building behind me and I was starting to look desperate. Alright, LAST try, as I handed the clerk my third and final card, a card that I had used successfully not  three hours earlier. Card Not Read. At this point, all I could do was laugh. The guy behind me even offered to pay for my snacks, but I politely refused, and dazedly walked back to my seat. It was almost starting, I couldn't help but giggle nervously to myself. This was unbelievable. God is here with me, I thought. He really does want the best for me and is trying to protect me. 


So why do I still feel like bingeing? Probably because I've got so much sugar and shit coursing through my veins. You can't just tell someone who's hammered to sober up, and expect them to do be able to do so immediately. Which is why I have to clean out my system and get abstinent again, in order to clear my pathway to God and to recovery.


But there's one thing I'm still unsure of. In the book (called Fat Boy Thin Man, btw), this guy loses over 100 pounds 3 different times, until finally finding spiritual, long-term recovery. But he also states that he now abstains entirely from sugar and flour. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I might have to give up these substances as well. Maybe not forever, but at least until I can put a floor under all this bingeing and stop the binges from occurring so frequently. I've been putting up such a fight regarding this. Most certainly because I already tried it when back home in Connecticut, and it was such an epic failure. But that's really not fair to say. I was still in the pattern of dangerous restriction (1000-1200 calories a day PLUS sports) and not attending any OA groups or therapy sessions. If I decide to eliminate these foods again, it will be in a healthy, non-abusive manner, and I will have valuable support from my doctor and OA friends. And who knows, no one's saying that I have to give up these foods forever, there may come a time when I can comfortably add them back to my food plan. At my OA meeting on Sunday, I am definitely going to ask advice from some of the members with longer-standing abstinence whether this was a vital part of their success. To speak with: Camille, Cécile, Hélène, Anne-Chloë. 


There's gotta be something to explain why I can go for 2 weeks, feeling great and not wanting to binge, to just throwing away all my hard work and driving myself back into hell. My sponsor said that even if you are doing well and you don't binge immediately after eating some sugar/flour, you plant a seed for an eventual binge. That's probably what I am doing. After I relapse, I get abstinent again by eating clean, healthy foods, but soon after, allow myself to "responsibly" go back to eating some sugar and flour. Over the course  of the two weeks, I'm continuously watering the seed, until the day it bursts out of the ground and knocks me down again. 


Just thinking about this as a possible tool is getting me all excited for recovery, which I desperately need. But at the same time, I'm still planning my "last meal" binge for tonight! What a mess. But I do genuinely feel oddly hopeful. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is probably going to suck at least a little bit. I'm going to mourn over the loss of my good friend, chocolate, and imagine the wonderful pleasure of just having some again. I will need to remind myself that it is NOT WORTH IT!!!! That even when I'm bingeing, I'm not enjoying it! It's almost like a burden while I'm eating it. I know there will come days when I will ask myself, "What's so good about abstinence? Today sucks." OK, that might be true, but trust me, the days when I am bingeing are MUCH MUCH MUCH worse, and instead of lasting just one day, like a bad day at work might, a binge will almost certainly ruin the better portion of my week, not to mention the long-term effects (of which there are too many to count). So we'll see how this pans out, will keep you posted!