I binged

Another failure. I now long for the days when I could get at least a week or two of abstinence under my belt before relapsing. Now it's two days. And I'm vomitting more often, even at work. I just did it. I want to write that I'm scared, but I don't feel it. I feel nothing inside me right now, just complete numbness. I like the feeling way more than I wish I did. I just spoke with my doctor...I'm going to a rehab center for a little while. I have no fight left in me, I need someone to take me by the hand and see me through this because I am killing myself trying to do it on my own. I've failed.

Hump Day

Walking back to my office after a very filling, yet healthy, lunch, I tried to ignore that whispering voice in the back of my mind saying, "Woudn't it be nice to have something sweet, some chocolate maybe, to end the meal". I had already had my "something sweet", a healthy bowl of fat-free plain yogurt and delicious fresh fruit, just a few minutes before. That's when I realized it: today's Wednesday. My Hump Day. While I can't be sure, I'm almost positive I have relapsed more often on Wednesdays than any other day. Why is this? I assume it's because I start the week with good intentions, telling myself on Sunday night that starting Monday, the habit is gone for good, PERIOD. I have a good Monday, an even better Tuesday, and by Wednesday, I've forgotten. That's all the time it takes. I've forgotten why I can't just have a little chocolate, why I can't just have one small binge and stop there, why even just one small binge beats the shit out of my self-esteem and is always followed by bigger and bigger binges. I forgot that I have said NO SUGAR for a month. Even as I write this, that part of my mind where my ED dwells is fighting to be heard, while another part is racing to silence it. I wish I hadn't brought my wallet today, that would make this easier.

Instead of listing all the negative aspects about a binge, I'm going to try and do the opposite: list the positive aspects of my life that are worth fighting for and that will give me the self-esteem and motivation to shut that little voice up for good. Here goes:

- I have made a committment to not eat sugar for a month and a half. This is to prove to myself that I am not a slave to even the most subtle and powerful of substances. FUCK YOU SUGAR I DON'T NEED YOU. A month without sugar will make me very proud of myself and will show that I really can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

- Getting home and cooking a delicious, healthy meal with my husband while playing music in the background and joking around in the kitchen. Instead of me coming home and before even saying hi, sticking my head in the toilet. Even if I don't vomit, I will spend the evening uncomfortable and moody on the couch. I will have no interest in cooking the healthy dinner we have planned and will either be obsessing about my weight or about how I can get some more binge food.

- My physical health. Last night I scared the shit out of myself by thinking that I might have become diabetic (long story short, I'm not). I can not keep risking my health so recklessly, there will be consequences, even if they are not immediately apparent. 

- My trip to the States in May. I am so so excited to go home and see my friends and family and I want to be healthy for that trip. I can not enjoy myself if I am bingeing, so I need to end these cycles of relapse NOW. Also, we're going to be spending a week at the beach, and I don't want to be miserable and ashamed of my body the whole time (I won't push this one too far, thinking like this actually puts more pressure on me and tends to have me react with a rebellious binge).

- Having a fun, relaxing, active weekend with friends as opposed to hiding in the apartment and destroying my body and mind. On Saturday, I get to go to a fun new gym class, I'm taking my cat to the vet, I'll probably get a massage, and then I have a revitalizing hair treatment and cut, followed by a romantic dinner with my husband.

...alright that kind of worked...but I still want to binge! Time to get tough with myself: ALISON, you will NOT EAT SUGAR. ONE MONTH. THAT'S IT. YOU WILL KEEP RUINING YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T STOP. THINK OF HOW AWESOME YOUR LIFE WAS 2 YEARS AGO, YOU NEED TO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET BACK TO THAT AND THAT MEANS LEAVING THIS BINGE EATING BEHIND. YOU DON'T NEED IT! IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 

I'm going to just put my head down and focus on work for the rest of the day, I'm not even going to read any OA literature, that stuff sometimes just makes me obsesses about overeating and I end up bingeing. Whew, deep breaths... will let you know how it goes.

Step 2, Question 4

4. In what ways have I continued to try to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery?

This question gets at the heart of my compulsive eating addiction, and shows how sick I truly am. How many "morning after"s have there been, where I tell myself that was the last time, only to be back to food within hours? I have eaten beyond the point of being physically ill, each bite more painful than the previous, and yet I continue to search for comfort in the bottomless pit of food. On a very recent trip to Geneva, I ate so much that I feared I had inflicted some genuine physical damage. I could barely move, barely breathe, my inflamed stomach was stretched to its limit. Clearly, the excess food had made me no happier than whatever I could have possibly been feeling before the binge. Instead of exploring downtown Geneva or the wonderful hotel lounge with live music, I was upstairs, alone in my room, on the toilet or sprawled on my bed. All of my energy had been sucked out of me; I was a tender blob, furious with what I had done to myself, and terrified of the magnitude of this disease. I prayed to have the compulsion removed and to finally let go of the urge to seek comfort in food.

And yet the next day, I repeated the event almost exactly, misery included. Why do I do this? I know the food will only aggravate my problems (especially the problem of having overeaten!). But some part of me refuses to learn. Some part of me is grasping on so tightly to this deplorable behavior, this mountain of food. It's because there is a very real physical reaction to (over)eating compulsively. When I'm eating, that's all there is in the world. My emotions are snuffed out, my worries and cares are paused, my to-do list is thrown out the window; I have no more responsibilities, nothing to achieve, no one to impress. A warm numbness washes over me, the tastes make me high with pleasure. I am rebelling against society, against my husband and family, against myself. It feels like freedom. But it's not. I am a slave to my compulsive eating. When I begin to binge, I know longer have a say in the matter. All my good intentions and hopes for a healthy, abstinent day are disregarded and my self-esteem is destroyed. I can not stand to look at myself in the mirror or even think about what I've just done. It steals my happiness and my husband's happiness. It steals the life that we have planned for the future. It steals my health, and puts me in serious physical danger. There is no freedom in binge eating whatsoever, and yet I am sick enough to keep going back to it again and again. 

There is no such thing as JUST ONE

How foolish can I possibly be? How many times have I said to myself, just one, just this one time, and then you'll stop, you won't want more afterwards. I will ALWAYS want more afterwards. ALWAYS. Even if the "just one" is a very big "just one". In my mind, it's just that..one. And I can't settle for one, I need as much as I can physically take. Please let this post be a reminder to myself!!!


Here's where everything went wrong: I had been doing super well this week, starting to feel much much better and abstinent since Sunday night. Then this morning, I had a meeting with an analyst and the broker invited my colleague and me out to lunch to continue the conversation. My colleague immediately said yes, but because he doesn't speak english very well, asked me to come along with him. And since it's a sector that I cover, there was really no way I could say no. So even though all I wanted was to go have my planned lunch at the cafeteria, I accepted to go get lunch at this fancy restaurant.


The lunch went pretty well, I had no real urge to binge while I was there, except on the bread. Everything was going fine until I started digging in to the bread. It was slow, totally creeped up on me. By the end of the meal, I was itching for something sweet, but still didn't have those *binge alarms* blaring. I told myself, ok, you want to be a little naughty right now, that's ok. You can have one (big..like 400 g big) bag of M&Ms but THAT'S IT. NO MORE. So I ate the M&Ms and was surprised to find that I really, truly didn't want any more. But as the hours went by and the sugar started to leave my body, I started to get an irrepressible urge to eat more junk. So I caved. I said Fuck It. I went and ate some pastries from the bakery. And I already know that I'll eat something more on my way out of the office. I know I'll care tomorrow, but right now I don't. I'm too pissed and disgusted by myself. There was a picture taken of me last night at a party for my husband's employer. It was posted to facebook today. I barely recognize myself. My smile and eyes are the same, but that's about it. My face is massive, my torso and hips wider than my husbands', my leggs unslender and unsexy. And I thought I had looked good that day...


I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I will be fat for a year. I shouldn't even say that, I've already let this go too far. And who says it would stop after a year? No, I must remember the original point of this post which is, it's ok that I had another slip today, it teaches me that I really can not have JUST ONE, of anything, as long as it's eaten compulsively. It's scary how easy I forget that, but hopefully that now that it is written down, it will be harder to erase. 


I am going to make a committment right here, right now, to go 100% SUGAR FREE for 1 MONTH. Starting tomorrow..

Step 2, Question 3

3. When those methods worked, how have I inevitably lost control and overeaten again, putting back on the weight I worked so hard to lose?


There were a few times when I had lost a noteworthy amount of weight, whether for an upcoming event or just because I decided to "get motivated" and slim down once and for all. But I never stayed at my goal weight for very long, packing on the points immediately after the event was over. Two examples are my wedding and the fashion show that I participated in during my sophomore year at college. As a part of a student government fund raising event, I had volunteered to be a "model" in the fashion show of local designers. I knew there would be hundreds of students and faculty present at the show, and I wanted to look my absolute best. So, I went on a strict diet (the details of which I no longer remember) and worked out at the gym for HOURS on end. I would typically run for an hour and then do at least 30 minutes of weight lifting and ab exercises. I was in pretty amazing shape by the day of the fashion show, but I was also STARVING. During the show, I appeared in three different outfits, one of which was a bikini! In front of my student body! And I wasn't even nervous, I felt very proud of myself, confident, and beautiful. But literally the minute the show ended, I found myself double-fisting slices of pizza. I couldn't get it in fast enough. I ate like a pig and stopped going to the gym; within just a few days, I had gained back all the weight I had lost for the show. Doh!


For my wedding, it was even worse. A few months before my wedding, I was still ~10 pounds heavier than my "ideal" weight, as I had gained a considerable amount after leaving UBS and my bingeing had become worse than ever. But I was determined to lose the weight and be as tiny as possible for my wedding pictures. To accomplish this, I opted for the Dukan diet, a no-carb, no-fat, all-you-can-eat protein diet. Because it was all you can eat, I actually did a fairly good job sticking to the diet, and did lose a considerable amount of weight. I ended up looking beautiful in my wedding pictures, and the celebration was the most amazing day of my entire life. The dinner was DELICIOUS, and I was no longer restricting my food, so I actually got to enjoy it. I only over-ate a tiny bit at the dessert (chocolate cake...was just too good!), but I paid close attention to not eat too much, knowing that it would ruin my night. I had to party till morning and didn't want to feel overly full and uncomfortable. So that was enough motivation to keep me from completely pigging out.


The next day was another story. Waking up after only an hour or two of sleep, I still had sugar and alcohol coursing through my veins. I wasn't hungry at all, but when I saw the giant loaves of bread and collection of jams/nutella, I dove right in. The bingeing completely snowballed from there. I had breakfast 3 different times that morning; each time some new people showed up I used it as an excuse to eat again, thinking no one would notice (no one did). I continued to overeat for the next day or two until my family and I left for Ireland (saddly leaving Bertrand behind). That's when the real binges started. BOTH nights we stayed in Dublin, I used the excuse that I was too tired to go out (I really was after the wedding month, but still, pathetic, I should have rallied). Instead, I stayed alone while my family and friends visited the city so I could eat and sleep. Every meal we went out to I used as an opportunity to stuff myself with junk, like french fries and fried fish, followed by dessert. I bought packets and packets of chocolate and cookies and ate them as "snacks" throughout the day. The only real memory I have of what should have been a once-in-a-lifetime trip is me sneaking off to eat. It makes me so mad!


That's one emotion that I haven't yet expressed on this blog: anger. At first, I didn't really think I was angry, just sad and ashamed. But after talking to an OA friend, she finally got it out of me. I am so. fucking. pissed. Pissed at myself, pissed at my situation, pissed at my sorry excuse for what I've done with the amazing hand I was dealt. I know it's not my fault that I have this abnormal tendancy, but it is my fault that I let it get this bad, and for that, I am furious. Getting back to the point of this post, I am pissed that after all my hard work, whether that be in losing weight, or just in life in general, I throw it all away with my compulsive eating. And I'm left exhausted and discouraged by the struggle. Compulsive overeating steals my life away from me. Even in a comlpetely isolated case (which it never is), compulsive eating is NEVER innocent and it will ALWAYS harm me and bring me farther away from my dreams and my true self.

Step 2, Question 2

2. In what ways have I been obsessed with diets and/or weight loss schemes?


It's funny, when I think about my response to this answer, it is so different from what it would have been even 6 months ago...and not in a good way. Diets/weight loss schemes are currently the FURTHEST from my mind. Eating LESS food? I'm struggling on a daily basis to keep myself from eating 3 times a healthy amount. But it wasn't always this way, and I'm sure my obsession with diets and weight loss schemes in the past contributed significantly to my current situation. I started dieting at a very young age, no later than 13 or 14, and I know I was uncomfortable with my body long before then. I think I was in the 4th grade when a boy in class pointed out to me for the first time that I was fat. High school was when I became very concerned with my weight, always trying to reach the stick-like figures of my popular peers, and never coming close, despite my efforts. I always went back to the food at some point. And then would crash diet and work out like crazy for a week or two. I developed the dangerous pattern of intense restriction followed by I-don't-care gorging. For several weeks, I even thought it would be a good idea to just eat Power Bars for meals and then work out until I had burned off the calories. No wonder I'm so messed up today! 


College didn't get much better, although I had at least given up most of the "gimmicks". I still went through cycles of strict dieting and working out (like right before I saw my long-distance boyfriend) followed by pigging out (like 5 minutes after my boyfriend and I were reunited). 


When I was at UBS for a summer internship, that's when the big evening binges started, so to make up for them, I would eat very little the next day, forcing myself to go as long as possible without eating until I was starving. This was an almost unbreakable cycle, and it was further worsened by the fact that I didn't know how to eat a proper breakfast. I thought one small packet of oatmeal was all the breakfast I needed (deserved) and would rarely ever eat anything more substantial. No wonder I was starving by the time lunch and dinner came around, and I had an irrepressible need to stuff my face. Not to mention that I was completely miserable at this internship.


It was only until very recently that I established the routine of 3 meals a day. I was convinced that eating 3 proper meals a day would lead to certain weight gain. So on top of the yo-yo dieting, I was constantly starving myself and making it up later with giant snacks or evening binges. 


By now, I no longer have the motivation or willpower to starve myself, and I'm better off for it. Dieting just worsens a binge eating habit, so I'm thankful that I've at least managed to get myself off of that endless track. Now I just have to stop overeating!

Exercise for Recovery 1

The person I would most admire, respect, and trust above all others in any circumstance would be:


- Caring and compassionate
- Courageous; does what has to be done no matter what
- Not controlled by fear or anxiety
- Open and non-discriminatory; accepting of all people and walks of life
- Non-violent; can get things done without physical force or raising your voice
- Very sociable; has lots of genuine friends and enjoys going out and spending time with them, not cooped up in the house
- Energetic, not lazy - laziness is easier than happiness
- Goes after what makes her happy, even if it requires significant effort
- Close with family, keeps in contact with them regularly 

- Respectful of the environment, not wasteful, kind to all creatures

- Hard-working, determined

- Respected in her job and in her community

- Strong, physically fit and active; involved in lots of different sports and is totally connected with her body

- Treats her body like a temple

- Always on a quest for knowledge

- Outdoorsy/adventuresome

- Creative, can have fun with little/no money 

- A loving spouse

- Has a strong and deep sexual relationship with her spouse

- Sophisticated/elegant, takes care of her appearance 

- Spiritually connected

- Trusts herself and God completely; knows in her heart that she will act based on her core values and God's loving will without fearing the consequences 

- Does not need external substances/activities to make her feel better/less anxious; is capable of handling stress in a healthy manner

- Follows her dreams

- Finds a career that is her true passion, even if it is not the easiest or most lucrative 

- Grateful; expresses her gratitude every day
- Accepting of the things she cannot change, and courageous enough to change the things she can 
- Generous: gives back to her community and helps others less fortunate
- Not dictated by her ego
- Calm and content, at peace


Top 3:

- Calm and content, at peace

- Energetic, not lazy - laziness is easier than happiness

- Trusts herself and God completely; knows in her heart that she will act based on her core values and God's loving will without fearing the consequences

Now, use these characteristics to describe in vivid detail the woman that I want to become more than anything in the whole world and the life she leads:

This is supposed to provide me the motivation I need to stop binge eating. 

I wan't to be someone I admire again. I am totally clean and abstinent, and have no desire to abuse food or alcohol or any other substances in order to numb my feelings or occupy me when I am bored or lonely. When I am recovered, I will no longer be consumed by guilt and anxiety; I will be able to live a life of peace and serenity by fulling connecting to my mind, body, and soul. I will be active and healthy, and have time and energy to do the fun things I want, like dancing or kickboxing, not because I HAVE to so I can lose weight, but because being physically active makes me happy. I will be able to concentrate more fully on my job, acquiring valuable experience while saving money for me to follow my life's passion. I will be healthy enough to stay in my job until it is appropriate to leave, not because I am too weak to continue. I will have a fun, adventurous marriage with my husband, where we actually DO things and are not living in an environment of sadness and guilt. My sexuality will be returned and I will finally get to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with the man I love once more. I will be confident and outgoing. Instead of spending my weekends alone in my apartment, bingeing on everything in sight, I will be going out, making new friends, trying new things, and living life to the fullest. Right now, I feel like I'm just trying to get by. Just trying to keep my head above water. There is no fun, no spark, no real reason to savor life. I want that back, and I need to start believing that it is possible. That it is possible to live a life where I pursue my dream of helping others, while having time to be outdoorsy and sporty AND be connected to my Higher Power. When I eat compulsively, I push him out of my life, and am unable to feel his beautiful love. I am unable to feel anything but guilt and shame and powerlessness. I want to feel empowered again. I forget what that feels like. To feel like I can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it, and that I'm fighting for something I believe in, pursuing a dream that is important to me. When I think of the life I want, this is what I see: a toned, fit, smiling woman, who enjoys snowboarding with her husband on the weekend, cooking a wholesome meal with friends, and finishing the evening with amazing sex. In the morning, I wake up early to do yoga and meditate before heading off to work. I work at a clinic or hospital, helping people overcome addictions and eating disorders. On the side, I might even participate in some tantra workshops! I have lots of friends at work or from school that I see after-hours to wind down or on the weekends. Upon getting home from work, my husband and I take our dogs for a hike before preparing dinner. We fall asleep relaxed and happy, excited to do it all again the next day. I go to church/temple once a week to connect with others in a spiritual environment where I can share with others and feel fulfilled in my spiritual journey. 

Wow..that sounds really nice. I MUST force myself to picture this every time I am tempted to binge. There is NOTHING preventing me from living this life I just described, everything is completely achievable and within my reach. I just need to get out of my own way! The only way I can have the life I want is if I STOP my compulsive binge eating, stay focused at my job for a little while longer, and keep myself healthy and spiritually connected. God, please help me do this. I AM strong and I can achieve anything I want to if I put my mind to it. Please help me focus on this goal and remove the desire to binge.